Tuscaloosa Forced to Outsource
The University is already in hot water with Nick Saban over their recently agreed upon contractual obligations. Especially when it comes to following through on one item in The Coach's extensive list of demands.
No, it doesn't involve the 25 hours of flight time on The University's private jet, or Saban's unwillingness to support local, university endorsed charities. Not even the wording that Saban uses to avoid dealing with the media is causing this much of a stir. This is a matter about which all parties involved would prefer to remain discrete.
More specifically, it involves Saban's demand for "10 pure-hearted virgins" that attend to his every need, and fan him constantly with "Raffia Palm branches" from 6am to 9pm, Monday though Saturday while he is going about the business of the program.
The Administration's shortcomings in this matter certainly cannot be attributed to a lack of effort or applicants. The Internship office has been taking all comers: Interviewing Students, Alumni, Booster's daughters and even members of the Tuscaloosa community at large. Day and night. Anything to assuage the wrath of Saban.
Unfortunately, like America's desolate manufacturing sector, The Virgin is a rare breed at The Capstone. Much of the labor will need to be outsourced to Bama fans at neighboring colleges and universities with less formidable tradition. Recruiters are setting up shop at schools such as Samford in Birmingham and Mississippi College in Jackson.
After months of silence, Alabama president, Robert E. Witt made this statement:
"Sadly, with the popularity of the Greek system, underage drinking, Facebook.com, abuse of prescription meds and well...Cocaine, virgins in this town don't really stand a chance. Our tradition here at The University has never really been called into question, at least... until Coach Saban's unorthodox, albeit wonderful contract brought a few new issues to the forefront.
Even so, we are all working around the clock to meet any and all demands that come down from The Football Office. We will do whatever it takes to reestablish The University at its rightful place of respect in the College Football Universe.
Why? You know any virgins?"
Saban is Angry
Editor's Note: Alana Collete Connell has "No Comment" on this developing story.
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