That Was Quick

"Step Into My Office, Tony..."



No, I'm not talking about the famed fretless bassist of White Snake. Auburn's OC is SOL.

Auburn offensive coordinator Tony Franklin was relieved of his duties Wednesday halfway through his first season of directing a spread offense that never caught fire. Franklin is no longer on the coaching staff, said an Auburn official.

Head coach Tommy Tuberville told the team 3:30 of the dismissal.

"After evaluating where we are at this point of the season offensively, I felt it was in the best interest of the Auburn football program to make this change," Tuberville said. "I'm not satisfied with where we are and I am personally going to take a larger role with the offense the remainder of the season. We are going to work harder than ever to make sure we consistently improve as we move forward."

This should be interesting. Tuberville, the defensive-minded coach from way back, is gonna be "taking a more active roll in the offense." CEO Tuberville hasn't taken an active roll in anything actually football related in years. What will all those "spread" recruits think about the new Tubby offense?

Crazy! I don't know, I'm sure it's just some wild, baseless rumor. I feel like somebody just told me that Clay Aiken is gay.





a classic and classy photo from The Birmingham News


[al.com]

Highlight FAIL

I didn't get to partake in the State/Auburn suckfest this weekend (I was attending the ND/Michigan rain soaked turnover extravaganza!). I'm sure in a few weeks, Tommy Tuberville and Tony Franklin will sit down, pop in the tape of this "defensive masterpiece" and just have a good laugh.



[edsbs]

Mindless Morning Youtubery - Tuberfield

This video has it all...Sara Jessica, Alana Collete, Click Clack and Golden Flake. Even so, why would Bama fans be afraid of cheap, gas station potato chips? A big bag of Golden Flake is a given when Tiders pick up that tasty carton of Dorals, right?

[HT: Taylor via The Auburner]

Is This the Peer Intervention Group?

Saban, Save us!


click to enlarge [pulled from LWS]

You boys ever seen that movie The Departed? Sheit, well that's exactly what Tubby is doin' to the TPD. If Ears can't win on the field recrootin' national championships, he's gonna get his "boys" in the Tuscaloosa Police department to take down Saban from the inside. Word is, Trey Blackmon was the gunman in the Julio Jones Drug Dealing buddy trial...The Louisiana Monroe loss can actually be attributed to Bill Bellacheat and his New England Patriots dressing up like the La-Monroe Warhawks and Mal Moore invented the internet.

Here's the proof that Auburn has gone too far this time, has no character, and that Chette Williams eats babies...


Tuscaloosa Police = Classless, Racist, Barner Nazis

More "Fear the Index" Celebration

- This kind of stuff is what makes college football the greatest game evah. BTW, Quinton Groves is a Manimal.

[HT: Trackemtigers]


- Here a few shots of our soldiers rolling "Toomer's Corner East" somewhere in Iraq (looks like Tuscaloosabad)...





Saban-in-a-row? Ok.


That's a lot of potato peelin'

[HT: Robert]


- And as you might have heard, while Toomer's East was well protected, the original was under fire...literally. Turns out the trees were not damaged as badly as it might appear. Mostly a TP fire (we all that goes. what?)...


sour grapes?


I think all the security pit-bulls would have been better utilized here


Who would have done something like this? COULD IT BE SABAN!?!

[HT: Makeitblue]

Must See Youtubery From Week 13

It's Business...It's Business Time



Coolest. Ref. Ever. Actually, it's said to be based on a vintage badass ref (oxymoron?) from the 80's who made a similar call in the pro ranks. Kudos to an official having a bit of fun in an otherwise snoozer of a blowout.


Auburn Cornerback Gets Vicked



Most of us southerners already witnessed this craziness live, but it's worth another look when animals attack! What the hell is Auburn thinking? Pit Bulls in the end zones? I love how Auburn gets their security/sodexho workers literally surrounding the field at some point in the third quarter. What a waste. Was there really a chance of anyone rushing the field after this Iron bowl? I love how the dog gets escorted off the field too...What a thug.


Is it Still Two-Thousand-and-Saban?



Looks like Tubby's workin' on Saban-In-A-Row (can I get a copyright?). Somebody alert Matt at Sportscrack to the endless tee shirt possibilities. [Impressive]


The Nail in The Orgeron's Coffin

Note: This entire video takes place in the last 8 minutes of the Egg Bowl. Ole Miss is sitting pretty with a 14-0 lead on the road in the "big" rivalry game, and the Rebs are desperately trying to avoid a big 0-8 in the SEC in Orgeron's third season. So, you just play smart football, pin 'em deep and work the clock, right? Of course not. Orgeron decides to "go for it" on 4 and a long 1 near midfield with a 14 to nothing lead on the road. Enjoy the last few minutes of the Ed Orgeron Era (tear)...

Various Other Sundries

Things I'm thinking about this Monday (other than work)...


photocredit: James Bryant

Ole Miss is Sofa King Bad!

I came to Oxford, I saw Ole Miss/Arkansas, I sharted my khakis.

Everything on the trip was great except the product on the field. Ole Miss was so bad we had a Brent Schaeffer sighting under center. Ole Miss was so bad, they turned off the scoreboard and "Jumbo-tron" for a majority of the second half*. Ole Miss made Arkansas looked so unbelievably good that Houston Nutt just got a contract extension. Well, maybe not that last one, but the others are true. Ole Miss is the Tampa Bay Devil-Rays of SEC Football.


Was I the Only One Who Saw This?

College Gameday in Lexington Kentucky, Best Sign:

Picuture of Kige Ramsey's mug with caption: "Tim Tebow has Anorexic" (major credit to the first to find a screen cap of said sign)


This Youtube is so Germans

I'm sure you've seen it a few times...Chaz Ramsey, Auburn's true-freshman offensive Ninja, attempts to end Glenn Dorsey's career with a text book hi/low, karate-chop block to the side of the knee. Even the biggest Auburn homer can't deny it after watching this "indisputable" footage.



I'm not gonna go as far as to say he was ordered to do it or taught to do it, but it just looks awfully deliberate to me. Like he couldn't have tried harder to eff up Dorsey's knee. Oh...but Tuberville says it wasn't intentional.

"Chaz clearly had a seizure on the left side of his brain which caused him to fall down...and block to his right...I mean, I'm no doctor, but...It's science."

Fake Lou is So Much Cooler than Real Lou


I'm feeling confused, yet strangely motivated - Hat Tip: Matt


More Great Officiating


The Unfair Catch

Finally, Congrats to The Dores!


Just pretend this guy is saying, "Go Dores" (best I could do on short notice)



*actually, the half-time fireworks show (at 3pm) knocked the power out in the stadium for an hour or so.

Will Muschamp is a Potty Mouthed Mother F**ker

How did I know this would make it to the youtubes?!? Glorious. Where did Muschamp learn such language? Well he did work with Classy Nick Saban for years at LSU. I guess I'd be pretty excited too if my defense held McFadden and Jones to under 80 total rushing yards. (NSFW)




Here's a bonus youtubes that involves some awful announcing and (everybodies favorite) "face rape."

Erik's SEC Power Poll Ballot

1) LSU - Not even the chosen one could stop them! No, these Orcs are born of earth and fire and they feed mercilessly on the sorrows of Southern Cal. Resistance is futile.

2) Florida - Still a complete team...Maybe they just needed a good cry. Do Tebow's tears still cure cancer after two consecutive losses?

3) Auburn - The other Tigers have found their offense. Don't care who you're playing, if you go into half up 28-0, you're doing things the right way.

4) South Carolina - Cocks have the second best record in my top four, but they haven't beat any of the above teams, and they certainly didn't play as well as Florida did down in Red Stick.

5) Kentucky - Woodson looked not good vs. USC last Thursday. Me thinks it was the rain. Even so, the Wildcats dropped a messy deuce for all the college football world to see. It's gonna stink for a few weeks. (ask: Auburn)

6) Tennessee - Where the hell did this come from? The Vols pulled some defense out of their asses and went into the break up 28-0? Could Coach "Does less with more" be turning a corner?

7) Arkansas - 0-2 in the SEC. Lots of Hawgs fans wanna Get Rid of dat, dat...dat Nutt. They're even making signs.

8) Georgia - Why does Georgia always seem to underachieve? Maybe they've got better years ahead with Stafford, but they just always seem to lose a game they shouldn't. Just can't seem to put all the pieces together and play like the top 5 team that their talent suggests. Could it be coaching?!? [/blasphemy]

9) Alabama - Didn't get to watch this Homecoming game with Houston, but from what I've heard, If you put another minute on the clock, Houston spoils the post game trip to the Bear Bryant Museum.

10) Mississippi State - 4 wins. If you stopped the season today, this is already MSU's most successful campaign since Y2K. To bad their's no more cupcakes to snack on. Bulldogs play three straight ranked teams starting this weekend with the newly impressive, but still fairly suspect Vols.

11) Vanderbilt - Got spanked by Auburn. It's looking like another 4 win season in Nashville. Let's face it...If you can't get to the promise land (Shreveport) with Jay Cutler, well...Chris Nickson is certainly no Tee Martin.

12) Ole Miss - The Rebs will remain in this prestigious spot until Orgeron defeats someone with a pulse. By pulse, I mean a team who's sniffed a bowl game in the last decade. The Rebs shutout the Mighty Louisianna Tech Bulldogs...24-0, but it was most likely the ugliest 20 point shutout on record. Rebs threw three picks and La Tech won pretty much ever statistical catagory, other than score of course.


HT: edsbs

Laugh at This Florida Fan's Pain

Some seemingly 12-year-old, potty mouthed Gator fan was none-to-happy with the outcome of Saturday's game. At least he's still supports his team though. He just wants Urban fired, and I think he called Tebow a "fag" or something. Either way, he's gonna make some lady Gator a fine husband one day... "WHAT DO YA MEAN YOUR EFFING PREGNANT!?! YOU STUPID G.D. COW!!! ICE THE EFFING KICKER!!!" (NSFW):

How'd You Enjoy Scrote-Bag Saturday?

I don't think you could call this weekend "Separation Saturday," or "Survival Saturday" or any of the other homo erotic hype phrases that ESPN so liberally applies. No, I think the most appropriate term is "Scrote-Bag Saturday." "The day when your favorite ranked team stank of old balls."

I was gonna try and talk about all the upsets in the Top 25, then I just went off on the Auburn game.

Oklahoma lost to Colorado? Do they even play DIVISION I FOOTBALL up there in Boulder? I thought they were too busy up there smokin' dubes and playin' intermurals, brother. (game winning kick)

Screw it...Let's talk Auburn/Florida



The game everyone in these parts is talking about took place in Gainesville. How bout Auburn owning Florida? What is it about the Auburn Tigers? Georgia can't beat Florida...Tennessee gets owned by Florida...Ohio State lost it's manhood to Florida...but Auburn goes from Sly Croom's bitch (the lowest of lows), to beating the defending national champion Florida Gators in two weeks? Maybe Tuberville's got the Voodoo.

Tebow looked downright human in this game (19 carries for 3.8 per?). Brandon Cox may have been sacked 4 times, but he didn't throw a pick. He didn't throw a touchdown either, but he didn't throw a pick. That's the story of the game. Brandon Cox didn't beat Auburn for once this year. Good for you, sir. A couple issues with the game...

Had Auburn come up on the short end of the score, the play of the game would have been the non-existent Halo rule violation. WTF? If you watched Ole Miss v. Florida last week you know, the refs have been commissioned by the SEC offices, Mike Slive or maybe even Satan to do everything within their power to keep BCS teams undefeated. For those of you that don't know, THERE IS NO HALO RULE in College football (not even in the pros anymore) and as long as you allow the punt returner to catch the ball (aka don't touch him or getting in his way) you're cool. You know how I know Auburn was cool...The asshole caught the ball! Just fine. I'm proud of Tuberville for getting pissed as hell. It was complete commie horseshit, and those cock-gobbling refs deserve to be lined up and golden-showered in the face on the fifty yardline of Jordan-Hare.



I don't care if it cost Auburn the game or not...It sure as hell could have, and therefore they should be punished. It was also a perfect example of why penalties should be reviewable in the booth.

Next issue that sparked some controversy was Herban's evil timeout usage as Auburn's legendary, true-freshman placekicker, Wes Byrum stroked the game winner. I've had a few folks complain about this. Yeah...icing the kicker (even extreme icage like this) is asshole, but don't act like Tommy T. wouldn't have done it. Tommy's pretty evil himself.

It may be sinister, but it's within every coaches right, and I think you'd be dumb not to try it in that situation.

All in all, this game was a perfect example of why we love college football. So many story lines. So much passion.

For UF it was the invincible, super-human Florida quarterback. The win streaks and championships. The evil genius of Herban and 90,000 in the Swamp at night on ESPN. Then on the Auburn side, there was the quarterback controversy, the Boos, the losses, the lack of confidence and ultimately, the doubt...The doubt that things were moving in the right direction down on the plains...The creeping doubt about Tuberville...The doubt that Auburn could even beat Alabama.

Now there's a starting, senior Quarterback who knows he can win and (and win big) with this team, a hero of a true-freshman kicker (from Florida, mind you) and a team, nay a fanbase with a some real confidence.

A little something to beat back the that over-zealous Bama Fan with. Tuberville's 9 of 10 against the Top Ten. How bout them apples, Saban? This will be the first week of the Season in which Auburn Football is the story in this town...at least for doing something positive.

No, I don't think you'll see a Sports Illustrated covers proclaiming "Auburn's Back" or anything like that. Auburn Fans have been here before. 9 out of the last 10. Save that kind of meaningless, collector's edition propaganda for lesser fans.

Even so, something tells me it was a little easier for Auburn folks to get out of bed this Monday morning.


Toomer's is a mess, and all is right in the world

Fark This!

Sent by an Auburn Fan...


HT: MakeItBlue

Sent by a Tennessee Fan...


HT: Grant - click to enlarge

Weekend Highlight

Quentin Groves Eats Babies...and Left Tackles

Quentin Groves must have sold his soul to the devil at a very young age. If Stanley McGlover was The Predator, Groves is The Super Freak. I heard when Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Quentin Groves underwear. I'm pretty sure Quentin Groves would eat a homeless person if you dared him.

Here, Quentin establishes ownership of Kansas State's best offensive lineman. No, seriously...He reached down deep and removed this poor guy's manhood. Just watch the damn video....

SEC Roundtable

"who's that guy?"

Thanks to David at From the Hedges we now have the beta version of "SEC Roundtable." Hopefully a semi-weekly feature. (I don't do consistancy very well) Since David brought up several extremely thought provoking questions, I though I might just take a stab at them. Hopefully I'll be just slightly more successful than Miss Teen South Carolina.


If you could have any player back from graduation last year who would it be?

Hmmm...That's a tough one for Ole Miss. Yeah, about that...I'm gonna go with the top linebacker taken in the draft, The 49ers 11th overall pick Patrick effin' Willis. #49 was not only the best player on Ole Miss' team, but he was the best defensive player in the country. Willis was a nightmare for offensive coordinators and one of the few enjoyable things about the Rebs 4-8 season. With a more veteran supporting cast in 2007, Willis' 4.38 speed and 250 pound frame would have made the Rebel defense a major force to be reckoned with. Nope, instead the Rebs got three green linebackers with about 7 career tackles between them. Sweet!


Who's the most underrated/overrated team in the SEC? Why?

Underrated - Kentucky: The Cats have the best quarterback in the nation that nobody's ever heard of in Andre' Woodson. They were also an 8 win team in '06, which is an amazing feat for Kentucky. Nobody is giving them any credit, but they will upset a big boy this season. I'm thinking Louisville or Tennessee.

Overrated - Arkansas: The Hawgs are one or two injuries away from a horrible season. With Nutt's personal life impoding like it is, everything must fall perfectly for this team to be Top 25. Yes, they won the West last season (10 wins), but they also ended the year on a three game slide, lost their OC, Quarterback and a huge amount of fan support.


Take your team's biggest rival's head coach and make a case as to why he would be a good fit on your sideline

Mississippi State - Sly Croom: I'm sorry, I can't think of anything positive to say about what he's done at State. I guess he would help Ole Miss in the race relations department, until all those rich old white men had to up and fire his ass.

LSU - Les Miles: Why would Les Miles be a good fit? Well, Les Miles brings a lot of great things to a program...unfounded arrogance, tasteless smack-talk, a potty mouth, a huge forehead and a sub-par IQ.


Other than your team who do you want to win the National Title?

Vanderbilt : Wouldn't it be great? It would shake the foundations of the space/time continuum. Everybody would start hating Vandy and Bobby Johnson would get offered crappy NFL jobs. I think the Dores would be forced to expand stadium capacity upwards of 30k.


Predictions w/ scores:

Kansas State v. Auburn - Tigers 32 - Wildcats 28
Oklahoma State v. Georgia - UGA 24 - OSU 10
Tennessee v. California - Vols 36 - Homos 20

The Smartest Coaches in the SEC

#5 - Nick Saban - (Hat Tip - TIGERWALK)

Smarts ain't everything…In fact, you can go a long way without ‘em (see Dave Rowe), but they sure do help…Especially when your every move, action and word is dissected, analyzed and criticized by thousands of semi-high functioning and relatively powerful folks (the college fan) . Therefore, I put together my list of the Smartest Coaches in the SEC: Who is the best game-planner?...Who gets the most out of his talent?…Who surrounds themselves with the best and the brightest assistants?...Who knows when to hold their tongue and when to launch a well placed verbal assault.

All these factors ultimately translate into points on the scoreboard. When searching for the perfect coach, smarts can’t be ignored.

1. Steve Spurrier - South Carolina: Totally not dumb. Be it on the field, off the field or in a press conference, Spurrier is sharp as a tack. Never showing signs of weakness, he is revered for his innovative football mind and his scathing, smartass remarks. Especially when it comes to opposing schools…specifically UT and Phillip Fulmer. He may be an asshole, but he can back it up. Is there any other coach you'd rather play 18 or share a beer with? Or both. Step to this, I dare you.

2. Bobby Johnson - Vanderbilt: Johnson loses some brain power points for the taking a job at Vanderbilt when he could have held out for a school where scoring a bowl game isn’t akin to winning The Powerball. Otherwise, he's as smart as they come. He does more with less than any other coach in the SEC. He's developed some great unheralded talent (see 3 All-SEC First teamers for 2007) and made Vanderbilt that much less of a punch line. When you can beat talent-stacked Georgia in Athens, you're coaching some smart football. Sadly, I don't care if you're the Stephen Hawking of college football coaching, you're going to lose, and lose your ass at Vandy.

3. Tommy Tuberville – Auburn: Tuberville reminds me of Leo's character from Catch Me If You Can. He loves to outsmart his opponent. Throw them off with a little slight of hand and/or some trickeration. He's also smart enough to know that he can't (and doesn't really want to) do it all. He's been called a genius "CEO" because of the way that he has learned to delegates all the "busy work." He doesn't necessarily coach anything. In fact, he doesn't recruit much of anything either. He merely hires smart and sets his assistants up for success. Naturally he comes out smelling like sweet Kentucky bourbon...all while he’s getting bombed with the Mrs. on Lake Martin. Tuberville loses a few IQ points because he often times lets his ego steer the ship. Whiny public remarks and risky decisions have dotted his career, however throughout the tough times, Tuberville has remained ostensibly, slightly above board and out of the real hot water.

4. Urban Meyer - Florida: Winning a national championship doesn't automatically make you a genius (see: Cheaty Pants McSweatervest) but Urban is no slouch when it comes to football IQ. It takes a brave man to run the spread option offense, but it takes a pretty damn intelligent man to actually pull it off. Conceiving, comprehending and memorizing the spread option playbook is difficult, but teaching it and implementing it with the talent at hand is the real test. And after just one marginal season, Urban pulled it all off beautifully. Of course, it's a little easier to make great wine when you inherit land in Napa Valley. I’ve said before, recruiting NFL caliber talent to Gainesville is about as difficult as getting Katrina victims to cash FEMA checks. Oh yes…Meyer loses major points for crying and generally acting like a silly bitch when things don't go his way.

5. Nick Saban - Alabama: Don't confuse drive and charisma with brains. Nick’s certainly high functioning when it comes to X's and O's, but he never seems to learn from his mental lapses away from the field. More so than another other SEC coach, Nick allows his ego to drive the bus. (wonder why he left a great situation at LSU?) Nick seems to burn bridges at every stop. Be it with the football staff, the media, or the fans. Even so, Saban can certainly turn on the charm when needed: forced media interaction, lying, recruiting (See his cameo in The Blindside). Nick is advanced in many subjects, but he’s also remedial when it comes to sincerity, honesty and tact. While he surely views these character traits as gay and/or superfluous to coaching football, some polish might make life at The Capstone a little bit more tolerable. I for one hope he continues to be a major league dick bandit. Sure makes my “job” easier.

6. Mark Richt – Georgia: Saint Mark doesn’t get the respect he deserves. Especially after last season's craptasticness (losing to Kentucky AND Vandy). Some people seem to forget how Richt took a sleeping giant in UGA and brought it back to the verge of greatness (UGA was an afterthought in the 90's). How can I say UGA is on the verge after 2 SECs in 6 seasons? Well, ask me how many times Richt's beat Florida. um that'd be once. Look for Richt to be considered more than just “a nice guy” with “some success” if/when he reverses the Cocktail Curse. Otherwise, Mark has proven to be extremely wise in the ways of college football coaching: He’s got a great scheme, he gameplans well, and he doesn’t get caught up in dick measuring, ego b.s. that entraps so many other potentially great SEC coaches (See Tuberville and Saban). He just coaches solid ball, with all his ducks in a row, his ego in check and his fly securely zipped. Richt also wins the award for "Coach least likely to Cheat on his Wife." Just thought I'd throw that in there.

You guessed it…I wrote all that in order to justify my Dumbest Coaches In The SEC List…Numbers 7-12 should be coming soon. But don’t hold your breath.

College Football Comic Strip?

Yeah, I stopped reading "the funnies" when The Far Side got canned or retired or whatever. By the way, The Family Circus can kiss my ass.

It would take something truly amazing to get me back reading that fish wrap they call the Sunday Comics. Much like this feature from The Auburner. Those guys are Hiiilarious. The Birmingham News would be wise to pick this up...

2004 College QB Reunion:

SEC Reality Shows

Have you ever thought that your school and/or football program needed a reality show? Of course you have. Otherwise, you wouldn't be at work checking a college football blog in July. So, assuming the consent of the football program (a slight assumption), these are the shows I would pitch to the networks, and I would make billions.

SEC West:



Alabama - Bama's Back? - The Rise of Sabanism

Lets start off with an easy one. How could this not be a #1 hit that makes American Idol look like watching C-SPAN at your grandmother's quilting convention in Jasper.

What would the over/under be on the number of the fan's, media and administration's children that Saban would eat per episode? And you thought Rush Probst was an egomaniacal asshat. After reading Saban's Itinerary, I'd be watching this 24/7 a la The Truman Show.

Plus, seeing Saban's cranium explode after his first loss to Houston on homecoming would take me to a very happy place. It would appear on Fox, but with Saban's filthy mouth, it would be much better suited for Showtime.


Auburn - How Big is Your Love?

Kenny Irons stars in a Bachelor-esque reality show where they pit 7 "average" ladies against 7 small midget dwarfs for all of Kenny's love and affection. The city of Auburn would host the spectacle and there would be plenty of mud wrastlin', 7 on 7 football and dates to whatever bar currently occupies the locale formally known as "The Blue Room." Obviously, this would appeal to the VH1 crowd that somehow embraces Flavor of Love.


Arkansas - Hawgasm

This Telenovela would make everybody in the Natural State forget about The Simple Life (the edsbs archives). The storylines are breathtaking. Character's include Beck Campbell and her Springdale Posse, Diane Nutt, Donna Bragg, Frank Broyles, Gus Malzahn, Darren McFadden, Dick Nut Johnson and that dips**t with the Arkansas fan poll... Why? Cause Arkansas fans are as crazy as Bama fans without all that old timey "Tradition" in the spank bank. In essence, this would be the only show in town, and what a magnificent multi layered show it would be.

Hawgasm would play out like a true life Pulp Fiction, with all the characters doin' they own thing until they come together in the end at Manhattan's Downtown Athletic Club for the Heisman Presentation...But when the curtain flies back...It's Coach Nutt, Beck Campbell and Lee Corso in how do I say...An unorthodox formation...playing a lively game of naked tag! And in the closest Heisman vote ever, the Award goes to Brian Brohm. WTF?! America's not ready for this brand of reality yet. This would certainly be a Telemundo exclusive.


LSU - Everybody Hates Les

Could this guy be anymore of a dickass turdface? All I know is he's a public relations nightmare, and he would make great TV. (Not that LSU fans care about any of that s**t - They'll piss all over you) Lester's assault on Hayley LaFontaine was truly something to behold. Yes, this walking, mouth-breathing bobble-head has all the cockiness of Saban and all the smarts of Gump. A lethal combination...unless you're looking for ratings. Which we are.


Mississippi State - The Slytanic

How to lose a Black SEC Head Football Coach in 60 Days. Lets face it. Things aren't exactly hunky dory in Starkganistan. This is Sly's 4th season in at MSU and the Bulldogs haven't tasted Bowl since Y2K when hell froze over (literally) in Shreveport. In fact, they haven't even won more than three games in a season! More importantly, there are Zero signs of improvement on the horizon (read: recruiting) Everybody wants Crooms to succeed real bad (at least they used ta), but this isn't The Post Office, and he's gonna have to show us something on the bottom line to even sniff year 5.

Basically, the show would revolve around how the administration is going to try and save face in this inevitable s**t storm of a firing. Sharpton, say what?


Ole Miss - The Courting of Jerrell Powe

Will this story ever effing die? This might make for a better novel than reality TV show. Jerrell Powe, the most sought after high school player that the state of Mississippi has produced since Marcus Dupree is trying for the old "third time's the charm" bulls**t. Jerrell has been denied college by the NCAA twice and now the Ole Miss administration is getting sick of all these shenanigans. Even his Momma, the one who's supposed to be forever in his corner, was callin' bulls**t on Jerrell. She was quoted as saying something along the lines of "That Mother F**ker Can't Read, Y'all!"

Needless to say, it was an ugly scene and made all the papers. Illiteracy issues aside, this show is a producer's wet dream. Plus, anything that involves The Orgeron is good for you and good for TV. If you ever thought that The Program needed a Reality based sequel, this show is for you.


Orgeron is money in the bank

On Notice Returns!

You're On Notice...


Phil Steele's Face - Auburn fans everywhere would love nothing more than to Dirty Sanchez his smug little, handicapper face...or do they? Auburn people seam to thrive on doubt and underdogged status. By the way, I didn't know the recently drafted, Ben Grubbs was that good? Auburn drops from #2 in his preseason 2006 rankings to #41 in 2007. Shnikies! Supposedly, Steele is the most accurate in the business, so maybe the Tigers shouldn't kill the messenger, eh? Phil did pick Arkansas to be a Top 15 team last season, and that made me LOL at his goofy ass! Seriously. Then, the Hawgs went on to a 10 win season. Who's LOLing now? Phil Steele. That's who.

Al F'n Gore - Because of Gore and his global warming, I can't water my lawn. Al, we're all real thankful for the internets, but if you haven't heard, Central Alabama (read: The Ham) is under the ownership of a STAGE THREE DROUGHT. We are getting less water than any other State. Even fake states like Rhode Island. My phallic cactus is even drying up. Not Cool. Supposedly, I can "hand water" (whatever the f that means) two days a week. Those days are determined by my address - 616 - which is then divided by Pi - 3.14 - and multiplied by the square footage of my lawn - Unknown. I say screw that. I irrigate whenever I damn well please. They can arrest me, but I'm taking the Three Flags over Bessemer Waterpark down with me. Why do they get special treatment, eh? WTF? So, Gore. Let's quit this whiney b**ch routine about how you didn't win the presidency but at least you make hip movies that Leo and Sharon Stone gobble up. Quit that s**t, and let's figure out how to make it rain! Pacman, what?

Sabanism - Is Saban a good College Football coach? Yeah, sure. Is he The Alpha and the Omega? Not so much. But here are a few more things that Saban is: Over-hyped, over-paid, over-inflated in the Ego Department. Damn, maybe Saban and The University are perfect for each other. They both came off of losing seasons last year, and they both think they are God's gift to The State of Alabama.

Gordon Gee - He's Vanderbilt's nerd-ass president. He was also the was the most vocal voice shooting down a playoff system at the recent SEC Meetings in Destin. I always realized that money was the reason for the BCS Season, but I still never understood why the schools didn't want a small playoff. The Green would still be there....In fact I don't see any reason to think the money generated wouldn't dwarf the profit of the current system. Hmmm...Why would Florida want a playoff and Vanderbilt wouldn't?? Interesting... I'm thinking Gordy, who gets a fat BCS check from the SEC offices every year is a little worried that his massive bow-tie fund might just dry up in a playoff scenario. Yes, there would be more money in a playoff, but would the Gridiron welfare system remain intact for the have nots? Florida is on board with a playoff cause the Gators know they can pay their own way (win and you're in). Vanderbilt's is just a stow-away on the BCS gravy train.

Academic Integrity - The NCAA can hum on deez. Academic standards are for the Ivy League. The college presidents can't have their cake and eat it too. The more money you make, and the bigger the stadiums become, why make it harder and harder for athletes to qualify for college? First there was a 2.5 GPA required in 12 core courses. This year it's up to 14 core courses and next year, 16 core courses are required! What, are the universities trying to keep all their knowledge a secret? Newflash: The High Schools are not improving in an exponential fashion like the requirements their state universities have to sign a scholarship. Why punish the football player? Do you really think he's taking up somebody else's spot? Maybe if that's the problem we should stop giving so many scholarships to gosh darn foreigners (Tennis, Basketball, etc.) and start educating our own. Crazy I know!

Mobile, Alabama - The Beel is the new hotbed of football talent and controversy. Basically, It's the new Memphis. Playas be ballin' out of control and fools be fixin' grades. By the way, where is all this talent coming from, and why is it all funneling to Red Stick? Sidenote: It seems that Hoover (read: Rush Propst) is getting jealous of the attention and serving up a little scandal of its own.

LOL Cats - Damn who-so-ever came up this bulls**t. Damn you! (No link for you. I will not propagate such atrocities. You can find them on your own time.)

Dave, Dave, and Dave - This is some preemptive hate as I look forward to the football season. Typical Southern good ole boy thinking here. Hey, you're incompetent, you're all named 'Dave' (hayseed much?) and the young college football audience cringes at your every word, but you played a little ball and you've been working for us for a long time. We might as well keep you on indefinitely. Oh yeah, plus you're married to my sister.


Dave Rowe: The cornerstone of the oft imitated, never duplicated "Dave Trifecta"