REVIEW: Chain Casual Dining Restaurants (UPDATE)

Chain restaurants that fall into the "casual dining" market bracket have, over the course of the last twenty-odd years, come to dominate the landscape. They have been the catalyst to a nearly complete reorganizing of the target markets, have nearly killed the previously booming haute-cuisine industry in the US, have increased the amount many people are spending on food by multiple times, and have likely played a major part in the increasingly alarming size of the American waistline. They have, in a very literal way, redefined food in America.

I could write an entire book on the effects of casual dining has had on our fine country, but instead, for the more limited scope of this article, I will write mini-reviews of each one. I won't bother much addressing service, atmosphere, or design, since all of them seem to subscribe to the exact same philosophy. Also, I won't assign a $-rating to them since their prices are all similar. Instead, I will talk primarily about the food with brief mention of price. Again, the star ratings are based on my traditional ratings system and not in exclusive comparison to other casual dining restaurants.

My reviews are limited to what I have nearby, but living in the northeast, nestled between Boston and New York, provides me with access to nearly every major chain in the country.

An issue that I generally had with many of these places is that the menus are laughably similar, and they all followed the same strategies to hide poor ingredients. Cheesecake Factory is one of the worst, with nearly everything on the menu tasting heavy, greasy, and cheap.

UPDATE: I've added Johnny Rockets to the list.
 

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Chili's- **1/2
Chili's is one of the "junk wall" trio, the other two being Applebee's and TGI Fridays. They have the same personality, the same menu, and the same goddamned "junk wall" aesthetic that was done three minutes after it started. Chili's is the most muted of the three, and as time has gone on, they have moved away from this design, but bits of it remain. Much like TGI Friday's, the food is mostly decent. Anything that is grilled is good. Avoid all of the fried foods because, one, they are ungodly bad for you, and two, frying hides bad ingredients.

Applebee's- **

Applebee's is the second of the trio, the largest, and also the worst. I've never had bad food at an Applebee's. Quality control is obviously high, and unlike some other restaurants, like Olive Garden, they don't overreach the quality of their ingredients in their recipes. But that also means that all of the recipes are either quite bland or taste like something that I bought at Stop & Shop and microwaved. The menu is borderline identical with both Chile's and TGIF, the only difference being inferior recipes.


TGI Friday's- **1/2
The third and final member of the "junk wall" trio is also the worst when it comes to bolting crap to the wall. I hated it the moment I saw it. As far as food is concerned, it has the genuinely good Jack Daniel's menu, and anything that is grilled is rather tasty. Ingredients are of acceptable quality. Chicken has good, meaty texture, and the steak, while a bit tough, is flavorful. It is in many of the other recipes where it falls down. Salads are literally DRENCHED in dressing unless you ask for it on the side. Fried foods are overwhelmingly greasy and heavy, as is the pasta. Still, it's a tasty, fairly-priced restaurant that can handle massive crowds, so there is rarely a wait. I generally don't go to TGI Friday's, but if friends were going, I wouldn't complain.

IHOP- **1/2
IHOP makes mostly acceptable food, with a few things that are legitimately tasty. Unlike Denny's, they do not totally screw up basic breakfast food. French toast, eggs, and other simple things are always cooked well. When you venture into more complex territory, such as omlettes, the menu becomes a bit more disappointing. Things like steak and other such dinner items are not terribly good, but nor are they bad. If I was in a bind, I would have no issues eating an an IHOP. Given the choice, though, I would always opt for someplace better, like T's.

Denny's- *1/2
How one screws up eggs and toast is beyond me, but Denny's manages it. The eggs are flavorless, the toast tastes like wonderbread, and the bacon is rubbery and overly greasy. Why anyone would pay to have this prepared when they could screw it up at home for less money is a mystery. The sweet stuff, a standby for both IHOP and Denny's, is cloying and simplistic, with the absolute pinnacle being their Sweet Ride nachos, which were fried tortillas covered in crappy chocolate syrup and aerated whipped cream from a can. I have never had anything even remotely tasty at a Denny's. The best that I can say is that I have never been poisoned. On the bright side, service is usually good, even though someone gets arrested at every Denny's location in the country at least once per day, and Denny's are always very clean. Every time I enter a Denny's, it is against my will.

Cheescake Factory- **

I have never had a fully satisfactory meal at the Cheesecake Factory. I don't want to go so far as to call it bad, but the food is always fatty, greasy, sugary, breaded, dipped, and slathered in sauce. Their website says:

"The Cheesecake Factory menu features more than 200 menu selections made fresh from scratch each day — using only the highest quality ingredients — which combines to create our remarkable tastes."

If by remarkable tastes they mean remarkably average, then they are right on the money. The bit about highest quality ingredients is laughable. Chicken is gummy. Steak is tough. There are a number of recipes that are very good. It depends on if the ingredients for that item are naturally cheap. I suspect that much of the poor quality has to do with with offering over two hundred items. Two hundred?! No kitchen can produce two hundred items and keep quality at the utmost. It would be the size of a warehouse.

Cheesecake Factory also holds the distinction of being the Worst Restaurant in America, according to Men's Health Magazine. They say that "No establishment better represents the confluence of factors that have saddled America with an ever-worsening obesity crisis." Would you want to eat there?

California Pizza Kitchen- ***
The food is a mixed bag at CPK. Pasta is too salty, which is a common problem at these chain restaurants. Salads are, likewise, covered in dressings and toppings, turning what should be light and flavorful into something that is heavy and fatty. The pizzas are good enough to lift this place up to a full three stars, though. The topping selection is unique, prices are fair, and the quality is good. While I would always opt to make my own pizza at home (it's SO easy), this place beats out the legions of crappy little local joints that are named after some guy quite easily.

Red Robin- ***
Red Robin is another place that does what it does and does it well. They don't overreach their ingredient quality with their recipes. Their toppings are fresh, prices are little on the high side, but still fair. Some of their recipes, such as their chicken sandwiches, are light on the herbs and spices and lean toward bland, but nothing is bad. The design is a bit garish, with strong Junkwall aspirations inside, but they seem to be aiming Red Robin at the child market, and it works well for that. This is a great place to bring kids for a treat. But for the adults, avoid this place during kid-friendly hours like the plague. Everyone has kids. All of the kids are little psychos. And the noise combined with an aesthetic that looks like Pee Wee Herman's nightmare will drive you away such that you will never want to return.

Johnny Rockets- ***

I've never had anything that wasn't tasty at a Johnny Rockets. I hear tell that quality can vary wildly from location to location, but the ones in Providence and Cranston, RI. have never failed me. These dance a line between fast food burgers and burger-house burgers. By that I mean the size of the patties and the overall presentation of the food is similar to any other fast food joint. Here, you get things wrapped in paper and you buy all sides separately. Menu items are all very simple, but like Red Robin, this prevents them from overreaching their ingredient quality. The 1950's kitsch isn't overwhelming and doesn't seem bolted on, since the whole concept of a Golden Age diner is woven into the company's DNA. Most burgers are in the $6-$7, which places them just below the burgers at places like Red Robin and Smokey Bones, and just above the burgers at Five Guys. This is a tough spot, from a value perspective, but I think that it works. I like the atmosphere, service has always been excellent, and their milkshakes are the bomb, as you young folk say. I go to Johnny Rockets frequently.

Cracker Barrel- **

I hate absolutely everything about Cracker Barrel. I hate its kitsch. I hate its ambiance. I hate its decor. I hate its religious foundations. I hate that they make you wait in a "country store" for your table. Even if the food was amazing, I would never visit. Unfortunately for them, the food isn't amazing. It's greasy, overly salty, and poorly cooked. They have a good breakfast selection, but their food is no better or worse than IHOP. Like many chain places, nothing at Cracker Barrel is bad. But if it doesn't stand out in some fundamental way, why go? I see no reason, and as such, I don't.

Olive Garden- *1/2

How something like this succeeds in a state where half of the population is Italian leaves me baffled. First, the good: the salads are all acceptable, and the pasta is decent. The sauce is entirely unremarkable and herbs and spices seem to be something to which the chefs have never been properly introduced. The pathetically weak flavor is indicative of freeze-dried herbs used across the boards. Ingredient quality is noticeably poor. Chicken, something that is generally seen as bulletproof, is 100% borked at The Olive Garden. It is always rubbery, flavorless, and fatty on the palate. Steak is never cooked correctly, but not like it matters. The meat is very cheap. Olive Garden also holds the distinction of using my most hated advertising tagline in history: "When You're Here, You're Family." Fuck you. No I'm not. If I was family, you wouldn't be charging me.


Ruby Tuesday- ***
I remember Ruby Tuesday as being a Junkwall restaurant. They may have been, but they certainly aren't now, at least, which is great. Their menu is similar to the Junkwall Trio, but everything seems to be a notch above. There are no glaring piles of fried apocalypse, and few tricks to hide poor ingredients. They have a wide selection of burgers which are usually a hit, and with a wide selection of other foods, they are an entirely acceptable place to buy a meal.

Longhorn Steakhouse- ***
This is the reason why the meat at Olive Garden, the Junk Wall Trio, and Cheesecake Factory have crappy meat: it costs a lot! Outback Steakhouse is a chain, but all of their meat is of rather high quality, and, big shock, their steaks cost almost as much as many singular steak houses. As long as you stick to their steak creations, the food is good. Their sandwiches and salads frequently underwhelm, with bland flavors and no inventiveness. Longhorn has significantly toned down their kitsch in recent years, and the dining room is much more pleasant for it.

Outback Steakhouse- ***
Outback is like Longhorn's little brother. They are quite a bit cheaper across the board, but their quality is also noticeably lower. I've had a number of tough steaks, with more fat than there should be. Everything has always been flavorful, and their menu is much wider than Longhorn. For example, Longhorn has two sandwiches on the menu, Outback has six. Outback also follows the Junkwall aesthetic a bit, with weird shit nailed to the wall, but it's not too bad.

Bertucci's- **1/2

Bertucci's pizza is very good. They also have a gigantic array of available toppings. Their prices are just this side of insane, though. You are undoubtedly better off trying local pizza places until you find a good one. Either that or make pizza at home; it's very, very easy. Their pasta is universally too salty. They must honestly cook it in sea water. Their red sauce is watery and bland, with zero body and no punch. There are quite a few jarred sauces that are significantly better. Seafood quality is low, but not terrible. If I wanted non-pizza Italian food, the only place that I would prefer less is The Olive Garden.

Ted's Montana Grill- ***
Ted's has one of the best interiors of all of the chain restaurants. It still has the fundamental aesthetic of a designed restaurant, with large open spaces filled with tables. But the muted wood tones, large, impressive prints of paintings showing the wide open spaces of the Old West, and rustic design touches provide a genuine sense of splendor and charm. All of this is made hilarious when you find out that the restaurant has nothing to do with Montana, farms, or cowboys, and the eponymous Ted is actually Ted Turner... who just wanted to make a steak house.

Everything is of very high quality. Recipes are austere. The centerpiece of the menu is their selection of bison meat, of which I'm not the biggest fan. The only major knock against them is that their prices are quite high. Where most places sell burgers for $8-$10, Ted's starts at $10 for a naked burger, and gets as high as $15. Bison meat adds $3 to each burger. That is a pricey burger. With that in mind, Ted's is still a very good restaurant. You will enjoy your food.

Smokey Bones: ***1/2

Smokey Bones is great. They have a large, dynamic menu of high-quality food. Their BBQ options are all excellent. Their pulled pork is hands-down the best that you can buy at any chain. Their prices are fully competitive. Their kitsch is a little off-putting, and since they changed owners and were rebranded a "fire grill," whatever the hell that is, they have bits of "wisdom" posted around the place that read like something out of The Man Show scripts. It's not enough to detract from the food, though, which is great. If you want BBQ, I would recommend Smokey Bones over every other chain, and even most local places.

Carrabba's- ***1/2
This is one of my favorite chain restaurants. I very much enjoy eating at Carrabba's. Recipes are always thoughtful, decently-sized, and ingredient quality is good across the board. This is what Olive Garden should be.The dining room has little kitsch. Aside from the requisite fake wood texture, the bulk of the things on the wall are prints of old photos of the founders' mother. The whole restaurant is a bit dim, which is annoying, but the quality of the food more than compensates. Herbs and spices are present and they don't taste free-dried. The oil that comes with bread is a legitimate replacement for butter. And the dessert selection is among the best of all chains.

Texas Roadhouse- ***
I like Texas Roadhouse. It has good quality meats and recipes. I cannot stand the character or decor. You can eat peanuts as you wait for your table. Do not look for a garbage can in which to place your shells, though. There isn't one. They do this on purpose because they want you to throw your shells on the ground to really drive home how down-fucking-home quaint their restaurant is. It's practically a local bar down in Texas, h'yuk!!! Fuck you. This is forced charm. It is kitsch. When what makes your place charming is part of a corporate plan, it is not charming. It is annoying. Give me a damned garbage can.

Birthday celebrations are the most obnoxious of all restaurants in the entirety of the galaxy. They wheel out a saddle, scream, holler, and point a light in the face of the subject like they want information. Worse, people actually seem to enjoy this, because no less than nine hundred birthdays will happen while you are there. This horrifying show is enough to keep me away for ever.

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I have a love-hate relationship with chain restaurants. On the one hand, they are an economic force that is causing local restaurants to either step up their game or go out of business. This is a good thing because local places have a tendency to simply do the same thing, and do that same thing, at times, poorly. The chains come in with brutal efficiency, marketing, style, cheap prices, and the ability to handle massive crowds.

It is also a bad thing because they force conformity upon the general market. Local restaurants will simply fall in line, and before you know it, all of the restaurants in the area are serving the same damned food. Unless you live in an urban center, your selections are very limited because of these restaurants.

Moreover, since the restaurants are usually not run by people who want to own restaurants, profit is the deciding factor in recipes and ingredient choices. Obviously, profit is always important, but most local places are run by people that simply enjoy running a restaurant. But since they have less to save by switching to lower-quality materials, as they are serving fewer meals, they are less inclined to do so. Compare this to the horrible quality frequently seen at chains. Because saving $0.25 per meal equals huge profits when your restaurant is pumping out fifty million meals per year.

That said, there are quite a few places out there that are truly a cut above. Restaurants like Carrabba's, Smokey Bones, and Ted's show that even a major chain can be a legitimate destination. They can be such because they don't shoot for generic food. Their menus have unique, identifiable character. There is quality out there in the din. Sometimes it is hard to find, but the quest is, without doubt, worthwhile.

It's Harvest Season! Bring Out the Pipes! (Part 1)

Scotland Connecticut Highland Games

The Connecticut Highland Games are much smaller than their gigantic brother up in Hew Hampshire, but that gives them a sense of accessibility and ease. Whereas the New Hampshire event truly takes two days to get everything out of it, Connecticut can be done in an afternoon. The crowds are lighter, and everything is generally cheaper.

This sport is known as the sheaf throw. It's a burlap sack filled with straw until it weighs 20 pounds for the men and 10 for the women. But judging from some of the women, I see no reason to not give them the 10-pounder. It is most certainly a game of strength and skill, since many of the participants are strong enough, but as the height grows their accuracy prevents them from moving forward.

The Port-o-Potties are very clean. I'm always happy with them.

I'm not a small man, but jeezum crow do these guys make me feel inadequate.

A haggis puff. It's actually not real haggis. It's just ground meat with all of the haggis spices in it. That the spices were originally used to cover up some extreme nastiness is no surprise; it's strong. Not bad though. At first, you're like "*chomp*, uggh. This is disgusting... *chomp* bleggh. Why would anyone eat this?... *chomp*" and you just go like that until you're done.

A crushingly cute highland cow. It has eyelashes! This one was obviously powerwashed just before the event, and they're likely mud-covered piles in the wild, but this one was great.

This pipe-overload is compliments of the band Prydein. They're a sort of rock/pipe band and have a good sound. This set up was just freaking hilarious. They had one piper, then two, then four, and then they just brought up a whole freakin' pipe band. Fast forward to 2:50 for the real fun to begin.

Adventures in Connecticut.

I had a family "function" to go to in Connecticut, so I figured on my way home, which was still early-afternoon, I'd make a stop by some local cafes. Connecticut is much bigger than Rhode Island, and they have some pretty large cities. I felt for sure that I'd find some good coffee.

I traveled down Rt.95 in Google Earth and looked at the various cafes that popped up. Ninety percent of which were Dunkin' Donuts locations. Ugh. And I landed on two, Cafe Lulu and Cafe Atlantique. Both seemed nice. Atlantique was like Atlantic, but better, and Lulu had a nicer website. I tossed a coin. Atlantique it is!

Damn. I had high hopes. The outside and inside were all nice. Lots of seating. Free WiFi (along with an older-than-shit computer on which they were trying to sell internet access). Good menu with good sandwiches. But holy crap the espresso was bad. I had grounds in my espresso. Grounds! Where did they come from? It was burtn beyond words. The delicate taste of liquid charcoal bathed my taste buds. I'm sure that if I had just drank poison, I'd have been fine. The menu and location were good, but with espresso that bad, it kind of defeats the purpose of a cafe. Still, a menu of crepes, panini, and other light foods means that this would be a damn fine place for a bite.

But my visit was not a waste! Right across the street was a place called the Ice Shack... or Ice House. Something. I can't remember. It doesn't matter. They had frozen. Soft serve. Ice. CUSTARD! Ohhhhh it was good. It's hard to find ice custard but it's so, so worth it. Rich and creamy. Powerfully flavorful in ways ice cream just can't be. Decadent is a good word. Unbelievably unhealthy, I'm sure, but I could not possibly care less. It's good and this was very good custard. It's unfortunate. The last place I knew of in Rhode Island serving good ice custard was Rita's Ice Custard Happiness, on Mineral Spring Avenue in Johnston. Apparently, the Japanese-sounding name did little to help their business and they went under some time ago.

So yeah. I'll have to try Lulu soon. They apparently roast their own coffee.

Ice Shack/Ice House/Ice Hut/Ice Temple/Ice Ziggurat: +++
Cafe Atlantique: ++


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QUICKVIEW: Stonebridge Restaurant- +++ / $$$

I was in Connecticut for Easter Sunday, quite awhile ago I know, and went to one of the restaurants having Easter dinner. As with all Easter dinners, it started in the early afternoon, had lots of low-priced, bland food, and was aimed squarely at the geriatric crowd. I'm talking really geriatric. One woman nearby our table was on oxygen. So why am I writing about this old folks home with food? Because if you're on your way through, I would highly recommend stopping by.

I couldn't really gauge the restaurant on its entrees, since they came from a special menu, limited in selection, and easy on the spices. Their dessert menu was also riveting, chocolate cake or carrot cake. Diabetes much? But they did have their full appetizer menu available, and this is the reason why I'm harping on. Coconut encrusted shrimp? Dee-lish! Crab cakes with two different types of aioli? Some of the best. Ginger root soup? Unnnhh, ok, not everything was a hit.

The restaurant was very attractive. The dining area was well-dressed, but unremarkable, and the outside was loaded with the trappings of a dynamite summer deck area. Tables, umbrellas, lighting, and outdoor speakers all but guaranteed fun times on hot nights. This was all situated by a river, the old stone bridge (duh), and a waterfall. Yeah. There was a freaking waterfall right next to the restaurant. Sorry for the picture quality, it was dusk by the time I took the photo. Combined with the heinously quaint street on which Stonebridge, a gourmet shop, boutiques, a cafe, and any number of other cute little shops lay, the area and atmosphere are top-notch.

Opening the dinner was a very good bread selection. Warm and seemingly freshly baked, the plain Italian and focaccia bread went fabulously with the little butter florets that were squeezed onto butter plates. They prepared us well for the appetizers. I like my crab cakes very crispy. I know that's sort of sacrilege for those raised on the softer Maryland style crab cakes, but I like some differing texture to offset the soft, lump crab. These were nice and crispy. I don't think they were deep fried, since they were light and not greasy, but I guess anything is possible. The two aiolis accented the cakes perfectly. I was very impressed.

Next up were some coconut battered shrimp with a sweet pepper relish. The shrimp were large, tender, light, and crispy. They went very well with the relish and saw double duty as an on-road snack on the trip back. Last were the pan-seared scallops, with pecans and gorgonzola. Perfectly cooked scallops went well with the balsamic vinaigrette and roasted pecans, adding a pleasant sweetness, but the gorgonzola was a bit strong for the mild taste of the scallops. I've also had better scallops, but who can argue about getting seven scallops for $10?

The soup was the real failure of the night. It was the du jour soup and just tasted weird. It was thick, and painted my tongue with a strong, gingery flavor, and had a peppery bite to it that wasn't so much as unpleasant but strange. Like, if I was starving, I would happily eat this, but since I'm not, I'd rather eat other things.

The dinners weren't bad. They were just a bit disappointing after the impressive appetizers. My stuffed shrimp were large, well-cooked, and the stuffing had smaller shrimp in it, so that was certainly fun. But all in all, the dinners lacked any sort of spice. Hell, anything. They were just food. The turkey was turkey. The mashed potatoes were just that. The vegetables were steamed. And the stuffing had the bare minimum of herbs to avoid making you feel that you were eating a pile of moist, hot bread. But as I said before, this was a special menu for a certain day, aimed almost undeniably at the older crowd. If I didn't live two hours away from the place, I think I would go back if only to confirm about the entrees what the appetizers promised.

Even for my short trip, I liked this place a lot.

Stonebridge Restaurant: +++
Price range for two: $45-$75

http://www.stonebridgerestaurant.com/


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50 Daniel St.
Milford, CT. 06460
203-874-7947 (Reservations Accepted)

Hours
LUNCH
Monday through Saturday 11:30am to 4:00pm
Sunday 11:30am to 2:00pm
DINNER
Monday through Thursday 4:00pm to 9:00pm
Friday through Saturday 4:00pm to 10:00pm
Sunday 2:00pm to 8:00pm
LATE NIGHT
Menu available in the Bar until 10:00pm Mon-Wed and until 12:00am Thurs-Sat

Logee's Greenhouse Rocks!

Logee's Greenhouse has been around since the late 1800's and it only seems to get better. They have well over 1,000 different plants, a wide variety of fruit-bearing varieties, a large greenhouse that looks like a rain forest, and a knowledgeable and friendly staff. If you have never been to Logee's, go. I can almost guarantee you will leave wanting to start your own garden.

Such an amazing place couldn't look less impressive from the road. A small back road. A small sign. A small front. All of the magic lies far into the back. The quaint entryway has a large pile of soil for immediate re-potting. They also have a fun selection of other goodies, like fresh vanilla, living rocks, and accoutrements for your new, potted friends.

You walk down a small set of stairs into the secondary greenhouse, which is directly connected to two smaller greenhouses. The focus of my adoration, fruiting plants, are scattered about, with the citrus plants way in the back. All down the middle and filling both sides are racks and racks of plants. Behind each rack is a detailed description of the plant and its requirements. The selection and quality is amazing.

The center section of each greenhouse is filled to the brim with examples of plants that grew too big for the racks. Some of the plants are enormous and cannot be shipped. The greenhouses ages lend a character that could only come with time. The old, wavy floors are themselves filled with the droppings of the nearby plants. The very ground is a wonderland of random plants and flowers that have taken up root. In the main greenhouse some of these plants have been allowed to grow so large as to bump up against the ceiling, with leaves that can measured in feet.

If you can't make the trip, make sure to stop by Logee's well-made website. It's laid out nicely, and some of the photos give you good indication of the breadth of the house layout. They may be a bit pricey, but the quality of the plants is top-notch. You would be a fool to buy your plants from anywhere else. Wal*Mart? Lowes? Ha!

This place makes the garden centers at Wal*Mart and Lowe's seem like a Toys R' Us. They get all their plants from massive plant farms (sounds odd, I know) in Mexico. No wonder your ferns from Wal*Mart seem to die after three weeks. The quality and selection is unmatched for as far as I know. I've been on two occasions recently and have still not seen every greenhouse. I've bought far too many plants than would have been rational. And I now dedicate a large chunk of every day making sure my new friends are trimmed, lit, and well watered. And I'm loving every second of it.

http://www.logees.com