I Totally Forgot.

I completely forgot to mention in my workup of the New Hampshire Highland Games that a very good gourmet shop is nestled on the main drag, just waiting for tourists to wander in.

Make no mistake, it may be in a town heavily dependent on tourists and ski bums, but the Abbey Cellars is a legitimate gourmet store catering to gourmets, and not just tourists. The prices are competitive and the selection is good. They have a wide selection of cheeses and have a small tasting area. They've got chocolate from around the world on offer, and a good selection of fine wines and beers.

I didn't know this, but apparently New Hampshire has a weird set of liquor laws. Everyone knows about the duty-free shops just over the border, but apparently that's the only way New Hampshire gets liquor into the state, via the state. All private businesses have to buy their booze through the state supplier, and if the state supplier doesn't have what you want, well, you're shit out of luck, buddy.

The owner of the store said he's always trying to convince the state buyers to expand into more exotic offerings, and he appears to have at least made progress. Their selection of wine was impressive for any state, and they had a decent selection of beers, as well.

If you plan on being in Lincoln for more than a few days, make a trip to The Abbey Cellars to pick up some much needed snacks. They're the best game in town.

http://www.abbeycellarsnh.com/

Hours
Tuesday through Saturday 11:00am to 8:00pm
Sunday & Monday 12:00pm to 6:00pm

Mixmaster Mike in Da House

Men are annoying. The number of situations where men will whip out their penises, slap them on the table and start comparing size is at times overwhelming. One situation that annoys the hell out of me is alcohol. Every man, everywhere, EVER, is an amazing bartender. Those girls from Coyote Ugly were fucking amateurs compared to the master that you all are lucky enough to now see.

It's amazing. Most men, if planning a party, will arrange for three types of spirits (for shots, of course), and beer. But, God save you, if you should have a bar at a party to which these very same men are invited, they suddenly turn into gourmets of all things alcoholic, experts of the finest details of everything from micro-brewed beer to single-still vodkas from Poland, with spectrographs for tongues. Every party I've attended or held with this has all the men leaving with bleeding assholes because of all the of bullshit they pulled from them.

They stand there, stroking each others egos, as though they have any clue what they're talking about. Extolling the virtues of potato vodka over grain vodka, for example. These are the same men who will later get obliterated on Bacardi, which is one step above jet fuel.

And if you have the bar, and you have men coming, HIDE THE GOOD STUFF. Men will make a bee-line for the most expensive booze you have, and believe me, they all know each and every brand they can't afford, and tell you about this fan-fucking-tastic martini/margherita/cocktail that their boss/friend/brother-in-law invented. Cointreau is the one that gets hoovered up at my house. "I know this amazing drink with Cointreau in it, it's called Cointreau, you drink it out of the bottle!"

And it's always the expensive stuff! Lining up shots of 20-year single-malt Scotch whiskey is only a good idea if you're following them up with lines of coke off a strippers butt; and you're stinking rich; and you're Keith Richards. I think that if I ever left the Louis XIII de Rémy Martin cognac out men would actually explode.

But, right, the initial reason for writing this post was a penis joke. I consider myself a decent bartender. My tastes aren't quite up to par on a number of brews and spirits, and my consistency is a bit off, but I'm better than many. As you can tell from the photo of my bar area, I don't mess around. Now, because I'm interested in expanding my tastes and skills in the alcoholic world, I go trolling for books on the subject every now and then. The discount book racks that Borders leave outside in a desperate attempt to get people to steal them is usually a good place to check.

I found a pile of books that looked really good. Nice, big pictures, history of various liquors, etc. I was so excited about finding a good bartending book for cheap that I didn't notice the cover for over an hour. Since I'm sure all of you are immature twits, like me, you find this hilarious. And, I'm sorry, but there is no chance in hell that this was a coincidence. I even went back to the same store the next day and, sure enough, every book was labeled the same way. And, strangely enough, it's a remarkably accurate title. Since, I suspect that most of the people buying this book were men, desperate to show off their mad bartendin' skillz at the next party and keen to memorize as many drinks as he can. All so that when the conversation inevitably turns to how each man is better than the others in some weird, insignificant way, and bartending comes up, his penis will be just that much larger when he slaps it on the table. Ultimate Book of Cocks, indeed.

RECOMMENDATION: Captain Morgan's Private Stock

Captain Morgan has recently started marketing their Private Stock product. I'm not sure how private it can be, since I'm drinking it, but that doesn't change that it's very good. The smell is similar to ordinary Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, but much lighter. The vanilla scent is more muted, and as with ordinary Captain, none of it reaches your taste buds. The other flavors come out much stronger, since other aspects of the drink don't overpower them. The spice and molasses come out well, and there's a creamy after taste that's really quite impressive.

Considering the price, I paid $26.00 for 750ml, I actually consider it a bargain. It's the only large scale rum that I can stand straight. It's pricey, but a single bottle will actually last longer than a large, regular bottle since you will not want to mix this. It would be wasted in a cocktail. I drink it on the rocks with a splash of water or without.