REVIEW: Chain Casual Dining Restaurants (UPDATE)

Chain restaurants that fall into the "casual dining" market bracket have, over the course of the last twenty-odd years, come to dominate the landscape. They have been the catalyst to a nearly complete reorganizing of the target markets, have nearly killed the previously booming haute-cuisine industry in the US, have increased the amount many people are spending on food by multiple times, and have likely played a major part in the increasingly alarming size of the American waistline. They have, in a very literal way, redefined food in America.

I could write an entire book on the effects of casual dining has had on our fine country, but instead, for the more limited scope of this article, I will write mini-reviews of each one. I won't bother much addressing service, atmosphere, or design, since all of them seem to subscribe to the exact same philosophy. Also, I won't assign a $-rating to them since their prices are all similar. Instead, I will talk primarily about the food with brief mention of price. Again, the star ratings are based on my traditional ratings system and not in exclusive comparison to other casual dining restaurants.

My reviews are limited to what I have nearby, but living in the northeast, nestled between Boston and New York, provides me with access to nearly every major chain in the country.

An issue that I generally had with many of these places is that the menus are laughably similar, and they all followed the same strategies to hide poor ingredients. Cheesecake Factory is one of the worst, with nearly everything on the menu tasting heavy, greasy, and cheap.

UPDATE: I've added Johnny Rockets to the list.
 

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Chili's- **1/2
Chili's is one of the "junk wall" trio, the other two being Applebee's and TGI Fridays. They have the same personality, the same menu, and the same goddamned "junk wall" aesthetic that was done three minutes after it started. Chili's is the most muted of the three, and as time has gone on, they have moved away from this design, but bits of it remain. Much like TGI Friday's, the food is mostly decent. Anything that is grilled is good. Avoid all of the fried foods because, one, they are ungodly bad for you, and two, frying hides bad ingredients.

Applebee's- **

Applebee's is the second of the trio, the largest, and also the worst. I've never had bad food at an Applebee's. Quality control is obviously high, and unlike some other restaurants, like Olive Garden, they don't overreach the quality of their ingredients in their recipes. But that also means that all of the recipes are either quite bland or taste like something that I bought at Stop & Shop and microwaved. The menu is borderline identical with both Chile's and TGIF, the only difference being inferior recipes.


TGI Friday's- **1/2
The third and final member of the "junk wall" trio is also the worst when it comes to bolting crap to the wall. I hated it the moment I saw it. As far as food is concerned, it has the genuinely good Jack Daniel's menu, and anything that is grilled is rather tasty. Ingredients are of acceptable quality. Chicken has good, meaty texture, and the steak, while a bit tough, is flavorful. It is in many of the other recipes where it falls down. Salads are literally DRENCHED in dressing unless you ask for it on the side. Fried foods are overwhelmingly greasy and heavy, as is the pasta. Still, it's a tasty, fairly-priced restaurant that can handle massive crowds, so there is rarely a wait. I generally don't go to TGI Friday's, but if friends were going, I wouldn't complain.

IHOP- **1/2
IHOP makes mostly acceptable food, with a few things that are legitimately tasty. Unlike Denny's, they do not totally screw up basic breakfast food. French toast, eggs, and other simple things are always cooked well. When you venture into more complex territory, such as omlettes, the menu becomes a bit more disappointing. Things like steak and other such dinner items are not terribly good, but nor are they bad. If I was in a bind, I would have no issues eating an an IHOP. Given the choice, though, I would always opt for someplace better, like T's.

Denny's- *1/2
How one screws up eggs and toast is beyond me, but Denny's manages it. The eggs are flavorless, the toast tastes like wonderbread, and the bacon is rubbery and overly greasy. Why anyone would pay to have this prepared when they could screw it up at home for less money is a mystery. The sweet stuff, a standby for both IHOP and Denny's, is cloying and simplistic, with the absolute pinnacle being their Sweet Ride nachos, which were fried tortillas covered in crappy chocolate syrup and aerated whipped cream from a can. I have never had anything even remotely tasty at a Denny's. The best that I can say is that I have never been poisoned. On the bright side, service is usually good, even though someone gets arrested at every Denny's location in the country at least once per day, and Denny's are always very clean. Every time I enter a Denny's, it is against my will.

Cheescake Factory- **

I have never had a fully satisfactory meal at the Cheesecake Factory. I don't want to go so far as to call it bad, but the food is always fatty, greasy, sugary, breaded, dipped, and slathered in sauce. Their website says:

"The Cheesecake Factory menu features more than 200 menu selections made fresh from scratch each day — using only the highest quality ingredients — which combines to create our remarkable tastes."

If by remarkable tastes they mean remarkably average, then they are right on the money. The bit about highest quality ingredients is laughable. Chicken is gummy. Steak is tough. There are a number of recipes that are very good. It depends on if the ingredients for that item are naturally cheap. I suspect that much of the poor quality has to do with with offering over two hundred items. Two hundred?! No kitchen can produce two hundred items and keep quality at the utmost. It would be the size of a warehouse.

Cheesecake Factory also holds the distinction of being the Worst Restaurant in America, according to Men's Health Magazine. They say that "No establishment better represents the confluence of factors that have saddled America with an ever-worsening obesity crisis." Would you want to eat there?

California Pizza Kitchen- ***
The food is a mixed bag at CPK. Pasta is too salty, which is a common problem at these chain restaurants. Salads are, likewise, covered in dressings and toppings, turning what should be light and flavorful into something that is heavy and fatty. The pizzas are good enough to lift this place up to a full three stars, though. The topping selection is unique, prices are fair, and the quality is good. While I would always opt to make my own pizza at home (it's SO easy), this place beats out the legions of crappy little local joints that are named after some guy quite easily.

Red Robin- ***
Red Robin is another place that does what it does and does it well. They don't overreach their ingredient quality with their recipes. Their toppings are fresh, prices are little on the high side, but still fair. Some of their recipes, such as their chicken sandwiches, are light on the herbs and spices and lean toward bland, but nothing is bad. The design is a bit garish, with strong Junkwall aspirations inside, but they seem to be aiming Red Robin at the child market, and it works well for that. This is a great place to bring kids for a treat. But for the adults, avoid this place during kid-friendly hours like the plague. Everyone has kids. All of the kids are little psychos. And the noise combined with an aesthetic that looks like Pee Wee Herman's nightmare will drive you away such that you will never want to return.

Johnny Rockets- ***

I've never had anything that wasn't tasty at a Johnny Rockets. I hear tell that quality can vary wildly from location to location, but the ones in Providence and Cranston, RI. have never failed me. These dance a line between fast food burgers and burger-house burgers. By that I mean the size of the patties and the overall presentation of the food is similar to any other fast food joint. Here, you get things wrapped in paper and you buy all sides separately. Menu items are all very simple, but like Red Robin, this prevents them from overreaching their ingredient quality. The 1950's kitsch isn't overwhelming and doesn't seem bolted on, since the whole concept of a Golden Age diner is woven into the company's DNA. Most burgers are in the $6-$7, which places them just below the burgers at places like Red Robin and Smokey Bones, and just above the burgers at Five Guys. This is a tough spot, from a value perspective, but I think that it works. I like the atmosphere, service has always been excellent, and their milkshakes are the bomb, as you young folk say. I go to Johnny Rockets frequently.

Cracker Barrel- **

I hate absolutely everything about Cracker Barrel. I hate its kitsch. I hate its ambiance. I hate its decor. I hate its religious foundations. I hate that they make you wait in a "country store" for your table. Even if the food was amazing, I would never visit. Unfortunately for them, the food isn't amazing. It's greasy, overly salty, and poorly cooked. They have a good breakfast selection, but their food is no better or worse than IHOP. Like many chain places, nothing at Cracker Barrel is bad. But if it doesn't stand out in some fundamental way, why go? I see no reason, and as such, I don't.

Olive Garden- *1/2

How something like this succeeds in a state where half of the population is Italian leaves me baffled. First, the good: the salads are all acceptable, and the pasta is decent. The sauce is entirely unremarkable and herbs and spices seem to be something to which the chefs have never been properly introduced. The pathetically weak flavor is indicative of freeze-dried herbs used across the boards. Ingredient quality is noticeably poor. Chicken, something that is generally seen as bulletproof, is 100% borked at The Olive Garden. It is always rubbery, flavorless, and fatty on the palate. Steak is never cooked correctly, but not like it matters. The meat is very cheap. Olive Garden also holds the distinction of using my most hated advertising tagline in history: "When You're Here, You're Family." Fuck you. No I'm not. If I was family, you wouldn't be charging me.


Ruby Tuesday- ***
I remember Ruby Tuesday as being a Junkwall restaurant. They may have been, but they certainly aren't now, at least, which is great. Their menu is similar to the Junkwall Trio, but everything seems to be a notch above. There are no glaring piles of fried apocalypse, and few tricks to hide poor ingredients. They have a wide selection of burgers which are usually a hit, and with a wide selection of other foods, they are an entirely acceptable place to buy a meal.

Longhorn Steakhouse- ***
This is the reason why the meat at Olive Garden, the Junk Wall Trio, and Cheesecake Factory have crappy meat: it costs a lot! Outback Steakhouse is a chain, but all of their meat is of rather high quality, and, big shock, their steaks cost almost as much as many singular steak houses. As long as you stick to their steak creations, the food is good. Their sandwiches and salads frequently underwhelm, with bland flavors and no inventiveness. Longhorn has significantly toned down their kitsch in recent years, and the dining room is much more pleasant for it.

Outback Steakhouse- ***
Outback is like Longhorn's little brother. They are quite a bit cheaper across the board, but their quality is also noticeably lower. I've had a number of tough steaks, with more fat than there should be. Everything has always been flavorful, and their menu is much wider than Longhorn. For example, Longhorn has two sandwiches on the menu, Outback has six. Outback also follows the Junkwall aesthetic a bit, with weird shit nailed to the wall, but it's not too bad.

Bertucci's- **1/2

Bertucci's pizza is very good. They also have a gigantic array of available toppings. Their prices are just this side of insane, though. You are undoubtedly better off trying local pizza places until you find a good one. Either that or make pizza at home; it's very, very easy. Their pasta is universally too salty. They must honestly cook it in sea water. Their red sauce is watery and bland, with zero body and no punch. There are quite a few jarred sauces that are significantly better. Seafood quality is low, but not terrible. If I wanted non-pizza Italian food, the only place that I would prefer less is The Olive Garden.

Ted's Montana Grill- ***
Ted's has one of the best interiors of all of the chain restaurants. It still has the fundamental aesthetic of a designed restaurant, with large open spaces filled with tables. But the muted wood tones, large, impressive prints of paintings showing the wide open spaces of the Old West, and rustic design touches provide a genuine sense of splendor and charm. All of this is made hilarious when you find out that the restaurant has nothing to do with Montana, farms, or cowboys, and the eponymous Ted is actually Ted Turner... who just wanted to make a steak house.

Everything is of very high quality. Recipes are austere. The centerpiece of the menu is their selection of bison meat, of which I'm not the biggest fan. The only major knock against them is that their prices are quite high. Where most places sell burgers for $8-$10, Ted's starts at $10 for a naked burger, and gets as high as $15. Bison meat adds $3 to each burger. That is a pricey burger. With that in mind, Ted's is still a very good restaurant. You will enjoy your food.

Smokey Bones: ***1/2

Smokey Bones is great. They have a large, dynamic menu of high-quality food. Their BBQ options are all excellent. Their pulled pork is hands-down the best that you can buy at any chain. Their prices are fully competitive. Their kitsch is a little off-putting, and since they changed owners and were rebranded a "fire grill," whatever the hell that is, they have bits of "wisdom" posted around the place that read like something out of The Man Show scripts. It's not enough to detract from the food, though, which is great. If you want BBQ, I would recommend Smokey Bones over every other chain, and even most local places.

Carrabba's- ***1/2
This is one of my favorite chain restaurants. I very much enjoy eating at Carrabba's. Recipes are always thoughtful, decently-sized, and ingredient quality is good across the board. This is what Olive Garden should be.The dining room has little kitsch. Aside from the requisite fake wood texture, the bulk of the things on the wall are prints of old photos of the founders' mother. The whole restaurant is a bit dim, which is annoying, but the quality of the food more than compensates. Herbs and spices are present and they don't taste free-dried. The oil that comes with bread is a legitimate replacement for butter. And the dessert selection is among the best of all chains.

Texas Roadhouse- ***
I like Texas Roadhouse. It has good quality meats and recipes. I cannot stand the character or decor. You can eat peanuts as you wait for your table. Do not look for a garbage can in which to place your shells, though. There isn't one. They do this on purpose because they want you to throw your shells on the ground to really drive home how down-fucking-home quaint their restaurant is. It's practically a local bar down in Texas, h'yuk!!! Fuck you. This is forced charm. It is kitsch. When what makes your place charming is part of a corporate plan, it is not charming. It is annoying. Give me a damned garbage can.

Birthday celebrations are the most obnoxious of all restaurants in the entirety of the galaxy. They wheel out a saddle, scream, holler, and point a light in the face of the subject like they want information. Worse, people actually seem to enjoy this, because no less than nine hundred birthdays will happen while you are there. This horrifying show is enough to keep me away for ever.

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I have a love-hate relationship with chain restaurants. On the one hand, they are an economic force that is causing local restaurants to either step up their game or go out of business. This is a good thing because local places have a tendency to simply do the same thing, and do that same thing, at times, poorly. The chains come in with brutal efficiency, marketing, style, cheap prices, and the ability to handle massive crowds.

It is also a bad thing because they force conformity upon the general market. Local restaurants will simply fall in line, and before you know it, all of the restaurants in the area are serving the same damned food. Unless you live in an urban center, your selections are very limited because of these restaurants.

Moreover, since the restaurants are usually not run by people who want to own restaurants, profit is the deciding factor in recipes and ingredient choices. Obviously, profit is always important, but most local places are run by people that simply enjoy running a restaurant. But since they have less to save by switching to lower-quality materials, as they are serving fewer meals, they are less inclined to do so. Compare this to the horrible quality frequently seen at chains. Because saving $0.25 per meal equals huge profits when your restaurant is pumping out fifty million meals per year.

That said, there are quite a few places out there that are truly a cut above. Restaurants like Carrabba's, Smokey Bones, and Ted's show that even a major chain can be a legitimate destination. They can be such because they don't shoot for generic food. Their menus have unique, identifiable character. There is quality out there in the din. Sometimes it is hard to find, but the quest is, without doubt, worthwhile.

REVIEW: Parker House Restaurant ***1/2 / $$$$

The Parker House Hotel Restaurant is one of the more storied restaurants in New England. Not only is it the namesake of Parker House rolls, but it is also the origin of Boston Cream Pie. The hotel has been in continuous operation for over 150 years and is an absolute landmark in Boston history.

The restaurant is fabulously appointed, with giant chandeliers dropping down from twenty-foot ceilings, well-dressed tables, intricate carpets, and lighting that is a bit too dim for my tastes. It is not ultra-refined in details and service like, say, the restaurants of Alain Ducasse such as Le Louis XV, but I like that. I find, and always will find, details for the sake of details nothing more than an excuse to charge more money. And classic French service and cuisine is filled with details for their own sake.

I have now been to The Parker House on four occasions and enjoyed it very much each time. The service is always good, and the decor is a treat. There is also a relaxed sense that one gets, probably because it is, after all, a hotel restaurant. They have a buffet for brunch and breakfast, and bar patrons wander in and out. It's not a restaurant where you feel that there is any particular behavior or dress that is expected. Even if those things are expected, I like being in a restaurants where it feels like they aren't. And the Parker House has the benefit of both feeling that way, and also being that way.

The food is all flawlessly prepared. But, again, likely because of its status as a hotel restaurant, all of it is just very good, default expensive food. Good cuts of steak? Check. Lobster in some form? Check. I can't say much bad about, since it's all, again, perfectly prepared. And it's also not for those with a bland palate. But it's also not anything that you couldn't get elsewhere.

One bright spot for me was the onion soup. It is the absolute best onion soup I've ever had at a restaurant. The onions are actually cooked, which is a concept that many places seem to not quite get, and it has a powerful wine flavor to it. It bathes your tongue in a rich, beefy broth, and the whole experience is invigorated with the strong sweetness of the onions, and the bright twinge of the sherry. The kitchen was also not stingy with the cheese, which, again, is a memo that many other restaurants have not yet gotten.

Other than that, if you want some standard continental fare with a New England twist, prepared perfectly, in what is arguably one of the nicest dining areas around, you would be well-served to check out the Omni Parker House Restaurant. And if you are from far away lands and want to visit Boston, the hotel's decor is like a luxurious time machine to an era before modern design ruined everything. I like everything about The Parker House.

Omni Parker House Restaurant: ***1/2

60 School Street
Boston, MA 02108
(617) 227-8600


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REVIEW: Five Guys Burger and Fries- ***1/2 / $

Oh frabjous day, callooh callay, I chortled as I ate. I have lived to see a time when fast food is legitimately good! That day has been here for years, in some areas of the country, but around Rhode Island, we've been wallowing in fast food hell. In-N-Out, Sonic, Carl's Jr.; none of these venerable restaurants are anywhere near us. When Chipotle arrived, we finally had a taste of what really great fast food could taste like, and the wait for a burger joint of equal quality was just freaking interminable.

We have Beef Barn in Cumberland, which is just as good as the best fast food, and even cheaper(!), but it's out in the middle of nowhere. I want something that's on every street corner like McDonald's... but good, unlike McDonald's. Well, Rhode Island might not have one on every corner yet, but we finally have two locations of a brand that could, conceivably, one day, have a whole bunch of locations peppering New England: Five Guys.

I have no idea why it's called Five Guys; it was started by two guys, and one of them was a woman (UPDATE: I have since found out why. The five guys were the husband and his four sons, even though the actual owners were the husband/wife team). Truly, the branding was so terrible that I assumed that it was some crappy local joint destined for failure when the location on Route 2 in Warwick opened up. But no, it's actually a large franchise with over 600 locations in North America, with more undoubtedly on the way. Even better, they've been winning awards with their burgers, even topping the legendary In-N-Out in a recent Zagat survey.

After hearing this, I set about to try them. A grueling journey of nearly twelve minutes exhausted all of our resources, and we were half-dead upon arriving. Thankfully, free peanuts that are available by the front door provided succor. Oh, and about the free peanuts, it's nice that they've chosen to provide sanitary, clean, easy-to-use paper baskets to load up. The only other place that I know of to provide free peanuts is Texas Road House, which serves them up as part of some grotesque schtick where you shell the nut and throw the remnants on the ground. It's just like a local bar, h'yuk! Fuck you. No it's not. It's disgusting. Give me a trash can.

It was a Saturday at about 5:00pm, so I'm assuming that this isn't always the case, but the place was bedlam. There was a long line, and the dining area was about 75% full. The sheer size of the kitchen staff blew my mind. They must have had ten people grinding away behind the counter, with perhaps more in reserve. The crew size paid off, though, with lots of orders coming out with great speed. It was slightly slower than, say, a McDonald's, but not by much, and faster than a Johnny Rockets.

The noise level in the dining area was "intense" according to my girlfriend, Danielle. People in the kitchen were yelling information to each other, people were yelling at each other in the dining room. The line waiting for orders to come out was squeezed in with the condiments and soda. As Danielle put it, "I think I have shell shock from what just happened." The energy level is much higher than any other fast food place at which I've eaten, even Chipotle during the rush. It's something that I can certainly deal with, but it's also something that I would avoid if possible.

Prices are excellent. I came into the place and, coming from a restaurant management perspective, the amount of money that they're spending on labor must be enormous. Well, it's easy to see how this works. They are selling in bulk, and they don't really give you an option to not buy in bulk. It's in this way that their prices are not that much higher than McDonald's. Five Guys' cheese burger is $4.99, which includes two patties by default, and ALL toppings are included in the price. McDonald's Angus burger is $3.99, with a similar level of toppings, and only one patty. You can opt to buy single-patty burgers, which are called, ahem, little hamburgers. This is still a huge hunk of food, and further illustrates their business model of forcing bulk on you. They further default to bulk delivery with the french fries, where even a small overflows from their serving cup and partially fills the bag in which they're stored. A large fry is honestly the equivalent of two whole potatoes.

When I ate the Angus burger from McDonald's, it didn't taste half-bad. The problem was that it tasted like the best McDonald's burger that I had ever eaten. The bread still had this odd sweetness that McDonald's bread has, the cheese was still crap, and the burger tasted like a McDonald's burger, just better. Five Guys tastes like a burger. Their patty is very beefy, with very little seasoning (which I would have kinda' liked). It's tender, juicy but not too, and not at all greasy. I ran across a single hard bit in the beef, but that did little to detract from the impression of quality. The toppings were crispy and fresh, and there are OH so many of them, and the bacon was delicious. It tasted like real, fresh, hot bacon. Not rubbery strips that have been sitting in an oven for hours. The only disappointment was the cheese, which was crappy American cheese, with no option for any other kind. I guess fast food has to have its calling card somewhere. Make no mistake, though, these are, without doubt, the best fast food burgers available.

The french fries offered a similar impression of quality. It's obvious that fries are a popular item, since their supply of potatoes has overflowed into the dining area. Bags of the little spuds were everywhere. They're a bit soft for my taste, but perfectly seasoned, popping with fresh potato flavor, and hot, hot, hot. I very much enjoyed the Cajun seasoned fries, which tasted like real Cajun spices, like, paprika! Spicy! I'd ditch the ordinary fries for Cajun on every visit.

By the end, I was done with my burger, and not even halfway through my small fries. Danielle couldn't finish either, and a girl next to me at the counter couldn't finish her single-patty burger. These are large, hearty burgers for very little money. I was not as impressed here as I was with Chipotle, which really blew me away with the incredible quality of every item, but at the same time, Chipotle is significantly more expensive, with all menu items at $6 or more. Still, I see them both standing in the same vanguard of quality fast food that is sweeping the nation.

All of this makes me ponder the state of fast food in the United States. McDonald's, Burger King, and all of the old guard have built up large numbers of locations, extremely advanced logistics, and an almost unreal level of quality control. But at the same time, they've built up reputations as fast food, and that means crappy quality.

We first saw market segmentation with the emergence of so-called casual dining restaurants like TGI Fridays, which upped the price and service, but not so high as to be competing with expensive, singular restaurants. This pressure in the middle of the market caused many, if not most, of previously expensive restaurants to adapt some of the trappings of casual dining, such as no dress codes.

McDonald's and the rest of the fast food industry, instead of increasing quality or selection, doubled down on price to compete. Prices either dropped or stayed the same regardless of inflation, and we saw the emergence of dollar menus. What this threatens to do, though, is amplify the market and demographic segmentation, creating the dietary haves and have-nots. Those that can afford to spend a little more will continue to do so, forcing fast food to drop prices and quality even further in an effort to spur growth. But this will drive more of their demographic up-market, and the feed-back loop continues. We'll eventually end up with casual dining and high-end fast food like Chipotle serving the middle class, and traditional fast food serving the bottom 10% increasingly bad food, thus further relegating this demographic to an eternity in the lowest echelons of society.

I think that McDonald's was aware of this destiny way back in the 1990's when they introduced the Arch Deluxe. It was a disaster for them, but that insight into the direction of the market is probably why they're doing gangbusters business while Wendy's and Burger King fight for small growth numbers (McD's is about three times the size of BK, but does TEN TIMES the revenue). They absolutely don't want to be the company that's shoveling slop into the mouths of the lowest of the low demographic.

Perhaps this is too complex a subject for a simple restaurant review, but sitting in Five Guys, eating a legitimately good hamburger, and leaving with a stomach bursting at the seams for less than $6, I realize that McDonald's has problems on the horizon, and it's only going to get worse.

Five Guys Burger and Fries: ***1/2

http://www.fiveguys.com


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Hours
Most locations open daily from 11:00am to 10:00pm

REVIEW: Village Hearth Bakery- **** / $

The Village Hearth has been baking away for years, and as they've grown, they've upped the ambiance, the size, the menu, and, importantly, the hours. I lived for over a year on the island and never found time to make it there during their very restricted schedule. Now with summer upon us, their hours have seriously opened up; they're closed only Monday and Tuesday. It's unfortunate that they close at 4:00pm on weekdays, since my work doesn't end until then, because I would like to make this charming bakery a more frequent destination.

They have a single bake of the day, starting at about 3:00am. Of course this means that when they run out, they run out. You will get no more until the next day. So unless you want an either non-existent selection or simply a poor one, you better show up early. One of the employees advised me that the pastries are usually extinct by 10:00am, but I've been there on weekdays and even a Sunday when there was a still decent selection. One Sunday, I was able to get a mixed fruit rustic tart and two slices of quiche, but that was pretty much the extent of the selection. Basically, if you want a croissant or sticky bun, be prepared to wake up early.

The Village Hearth has come a long way from its plain, spartan beginnings. They now have a fabulous garden area, with flowers and bushes, a spacious deck and dining area, and large windows, doors, and skylights letting in buckets of natural light. Someone here is a big fan of Seven Stars, because the layout, ambiance, and architectural touches are all very similar. Honestly, though, they nail it here better than Seven Stars. The chairs have a distinctly nautical look to them with wooden slates and brushed metal. The smooth copper tabletops look and feel fantastic. And when the doors are open wide, you can smell the ocean pretty strongly.

The outside dining area is especially nice, and very much needed, since the interior is a bit small. Jamestown can get bustling, but it never gets genuinely busy. Traffic sounds are of the quaint, pleasant variety, and the chatter of passing island-dwellers permeates the building. The roadway is situated north-south, so the windows gets excellent sun from morning to close. Combined with the sounds and smells of such a small island, Village Hearth gels into the nicest al fresco cafe in Rhode Island.

The Hearth hits a home run with its bread. It's easily as good as its most direct comparison, Seven Stars, and a bit cheaper to boot. Their selection is diverse and inventive, with many of their breads bordering on meals unto themselves. I'm generally unimpressed with bread covered in stuff, though. I prefer my bread to be bread and like it when the toppings and ingredients can be used as a sandwich. If the bread already is covered in roasted tomato, cheese, and a thousands herbs, it seriously limits the potential of the bread. Still, I can't directly hold this against a bakery. They're being inventive and I must applaud that. Moreover, I am a bit biased and the variety of breads available means that criticism can't hold up against tea breads or dessert breads like stollen, which are basically meant to be eaten alone. Notably, the bakers here are more inventive than those of Seven Stars. Considering their limited size, they produce an inventive assortment of breads that changes each day. This is what having a great bakery nearby is all about, an adventure cast in dough.

The breads run the gamut from crispy boules to chewy batards. Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. Flakey and dense. The bakers certainly know how to make bread. A personal favorite was the sunflower seed multi-grain loaf. And on my most recent trip, they had a delectable fougasse. Now that is not a bread you're going to find at the supermarket. It's nice that we have a world-class bakery so far from an urban area.

The pastries, much like the breads, rarely hit a sour note. Again, their selection appears limited by their size and they sell out early. This is the one area where Seven Stars takes the trophy with a longer availability of more items. Still, when what they have is available, it's very much worth a purchase. Two fruit tarts were packed with explosively flavorful fresh fruit, but they tasted more like small pies than tarts, especially the second type, which actually looked like a small pie. Delicious, nonetheless. Simply mis-named, perhaps.

The pecan sticky bun was a knockout success. It was one of the least sweet sticky buns I've ever had, which for me is a big plus. Some pastries have evolved to become so cloying that they are no longer appetizing. A good breakfast pastry should have a fine balance of sweet and savory, ever so delicately falling over the fence into the land of sweet. This what makes a croissant with just a bit of jam on it taste so sinful. Obviously, you'd expect a sticky bun to be sweeter than that, and it is, but it's not dripping with syrupy-sweet goo. This is one of the best pecan sticky buns I've ever had.

One of my only real complaints was the muffin. It was surprisingly bland and a bit small. It was neither very bran-y nor cakey. It was a sort of middle ground that, while good, wasn't something I'd really desire like I would so many of their other creations.

The sandwiches were good. The turkey sandwich I ordered came on their sunflower seed multigrain, which just made the meal. Unlike Seven Stars, who use a bread so dense and chewy that eating it is a freaking endeavor, this bread is much easier on the mouth muscles. And as I mentioned above, this bread is my current favorite, so I like it as much as I expect I'd like any sandwich on it. Otherwise, the sandwich was a sandwich, with good quality deli meat on it for a fair price, it's hard to complain. The quiche was a similar story. Very well prepared, with a variety of veggies like mushrooms and green onions, I liked it even cold. If you're willing to wait a while, you can have them heat up your slice in their oven. It takes a good ten minutes to get it up to temp, but I think it's worth it. I don't come to a bakery to get quiche, but the fact that they have it, and that it's good, continues to elevate the Village Hearth to a legitimate option for a full-on breakfast.

Continuing on with breakfast, we need a drink! And what drink goes best with everything breakfast related? Anyone? What, you don't actually know? Or is no one out there? Out there, in the cold, vastness of cyberspace. Sigh. COFFEE! If you don't like coffee, they have a good selection of teas, and San Pellegrino's Aranciata and Limonata sodas, which are crisp and refreshing... unlike San P's god-awful and confusing website (I just had to mention that). But I, unlike you, you pinko commie, do like coffee, and I especially like espresso. I was encouraged by the visible placement of a La Marzocco Linea espresso machine right next to the register.

I was not let down. My first latte had some pretty poorly steamed milk, and the shot was under-extracted, but that was the exception. Without fail since then, the milk has been well-steamed and the espresso has been dark, but mellow and not over-done. After asking, my suspicions were confirmed as New Harvest Coffee. They provided the machine (I got it wrong. The bakery didn't buy the machine from New Harvest, they simple got a recommendation from them), the coffee, and the training and they did an excellent job. No matter who makes the drink, the espresso is well-pulled and the milk is dense, silky, and sweet. I am so frequently let down by the texture of milk in espresso drinks, but not here. This alone would be enough to recommend them. Add to that the fact that they are the only true cafe on all of Jamestown, the best cafe in any direction for about twenty minutes, AND a bakery, well gaw-lee sarge, this place is the bee's knees.

(The photo references the second latte I received, which was well-pulled, but the milk still had some big bubbles in it. Again, this was the exception so just imagine the drink with better milk.)

I've been racking my brain to try and figure out how to rate this place. What it has is certainly as good as Seven Stars, which despite its name I gave four stars, but its selection is very limited. And the small kitchen, combined with a single daily bake, means pretty much everything is gone well before noon. I'd be less reticent if they had the selection to equal SS, or goods were available later into the day, but even considering that, I think I will err on the side of praise. They certainly deserve it. Perhaps if the drinks hadn't been so damned good, or everything I managed to actually get hadn't been basically perfect; but they were, and for that, The Village Hearth is the equal of Seven Stars, and truly worthy of your time and dime.

They serve wood-fired pizzas on Sunday nights from 4:30pm to 7:30pm. I've tried to make it twice, and both times I've failed because of crushingly long waits. I'm going to try again with a telephone order and simply pick it up. I will update this space after succeeding.

The Village Hearth: ****
Price: Pastries range from $2 to $7. Breads are similar.

http://www.villagehearthbakerycafe.com/


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2 Watson Ave
Jamestown, RI 02835-1418
401-423-9282

Hours
Summer
Wednesday & Thursday 7:00am to 2:00pm
Friday & Saturday 7:00am to 4:00pm
Sunday 7:30am to 2:00pm with pizza served 4:30pm to 7:30pm
Winter
Friday & Saturday 7:00am to 4:00pm
Sunday 7:30am to 2:30pm with pizza served 4:30pm to 7:30pm

Review List

I am adding a quick review list that has the star ratings of every place I've ever eaten. Some of the restaurants never received a formal write-up. Formal reviews will be included. The list is alphabetical, not by location.

Al Forno: ****

Rhode Island's most famous restaurant almost meets high expectations. Simple food. Perfectly prepared. Fantastic desserts. Some items are over-priced, including the gimmicky house specialty, the Dirty Steak. Atmosphere is airy and austere.

Arunothai: ***

Good standard asian cuisine in Pawtuxet Village. They hit all the right notes. Free delivery, too.

Aspire: ***

Nothing is bad, but the prices are haute, while much of the food is not. You won't be disappointed, but you won't be impressed, either.

Bagelz: **

Very poor coffee and espresso overshadow a thoroughly collegiate atmosphere and decent food offerings.

Basil's: ****1/2

Rhode Island's best service is the highlight of traditional this French/Continental eatery. Quiet, intimate dining room is a joy. Best Duck A L'Orange for a hundred miles.

Beef Barn: ***

What Burger King would be if it was good. Good shakes, fries, onion rings, all at prices just above free.

Bella Napoli Bakery & Deli: ***

A standard deli, but it gets everything right. Ask for some of their pizza, which is excellent traditional Italian.

Blue State Coffee: ***1/2

One of RI's better cafes. Attractive, modern ambiance, decent selection of food and other drinks, and good coffee lead to disappointment in some uneven espresso drinks.

The Breakfast Nook: ***

A good, standard diner.

Brewed Awakenings: ***

A standard cafe with a wide selection of food. Fruit salads are sometimes poor, and the gelato can get icey. Espresso ranges from decent to terrible. Luckily the drip coffee is good.

Brickway on Wickenden: ***

A great place to get a standard breakfast. I'd go more often if it wasn't packed from open to close.

Caffe Bon Ami: ***1/2

A very good cafe that does nothing amazing, but nails everything they set out to do.

Cafe Fresco: ***

Good Italian/continental food and a pleasantly hip atmosphere satisfy.

Cafe Nuovo: ***1/2

Lots of early hype has faded, and Nuovo is still around. Recipes are sometimes ill-conceived, and the wine list is comically expensive, but the food is never bad, and the RISD-like desserts are an utter treat and total deal at only $9.

Cav: ****1/2

Easily RI's most interesting dining area, CAV's food almost measures up. The lunch menu is good, and brunch is a treat. The dinner menu doesn't change too often, but special's are usually worth a try.

Chipotle: ***1/2

The best fast food that I've ever had. On the pricey side, but well worth it.

The Coast Guard House: ***

A magnificent dining area and view are tempered by incredibly uneven preparation and ingredient quality.

Coffee & Cream: **1/2

Acceptable diner with late-night hours. Food prep can be shoddy.

Coffee Exchange: ****

Rhode Island's best cafe. A wide selection of house-roasted coffee, Gregg's desserts, and locally baked cookies and treats combine with consistently excellent espresso. The crowd is very urban-hipster, which is both annoying and enjoyable.

Le Crêperie: ***

A well-prepared variety of crêpes. Very small, and the prices are high, but the selection is unmatched.

Don Jose Tequila's: *

A massive disappointment. Cold food. Bland. Tough meat. Almost everything was wrong.

Duffy's Tavern: ***

A good local haunt for freshly caught seafood.

East Side Pockets: ***

Very well-prepared falafel and wraps. Good prices to boot.

E&J's Breakfast: *1/2

Spartan dining area, Bisquick pancakes, and dirty plates equals epic fail.

Eleven Forty Nine: ***1/2

Urban food and suburban prices, sort of. Everything is well-prepared. Recipes are nothing special. Ingredients are generally good. The house-made desserts taste are uneven, with some being very well-executed, with others tasting like they were out of a freezer.

Emilio's Bakery: ****

The best coronets on Earth, great cheesecake, and an enormous selection of other tooth-rotting bits of paradise. Dry cakes and sometimes over-baked cookies ruin the party.

Fadó Irish Pub: ***

Decent place for a quick bite. Great grilled cheese, fries, and a wide selection of beers are all good. Boxties are unique, but a bit pricey.

Felicia's Coffee: **

Abysmal espresso and coffee ruin a good selection of foods and coffee beans.

Five Guys Burger and Fries: ***1/2

The best fast food burger that you can buy. Very loud, intense dining area.

Frank & John's from Italy: ****

The best traditional Italian pizza in Rhode Island. A gem.

Fred & Steve's: ****

Large cuts of meat and massive side dishes match the plush interior very well. Service is good. Better than Ruth's Chris and Capital Grille, but falls to the superior Providence Prime.

The Garden Grille: **1/2

Conceived as well as I suppose they could be. The recipes never fully transcend the self-imposed limitations of vegetarian/vegan food. Flavors can be two-dimensional and bland. Still, it's certainly adequate, and if you're a vegetarian, this is likely the best you'll ever get.

Gillian's Ale House: **1/2

Good local haunt with good bar food. The house-made corned beef is excellent.

The Governor Francis Inn: ***

Good local restaurant. Fair prices, well-prepared standard food, and a nice atmosphere make it a good stop if you're driving through or live in the area. The clientele is elderly and the food is a bit bland to match. Still, it's satisfying.

Gracie's: ****

Fantastic place. Romantic dining area. The dynamic menu is loaded with excellent-quality ingredients and serving sizes are generally perfect. Some prices are a bit silly, like $13 for maybe twenty house-made gnocchi. One of Rhode Island's best.

Gregg's: ***1/2

One of RI's best standard restaurants. A massive menu of sandwiches, roasts, salads, bar food, and desserts guarantees you'll find something to eat.

Grille on Main: ***

One of Pinelli Marra's restaurants, Grille on Main has some great food, a hopping bar, and nice dining area.

India: ****

Rhode Island's best Indian food. It's non-traditional, but I like that. Very well-prepared, with great ingredients.

International Zone at URI: ***

Standard sandwich shop. Good falafel. The ice cream can be a bit icey.

The Italian Village: ***

The very definition of local Italian place. Everything meets expectations. Serving sizes can be comically large.

J's Deli: ***1/2

A perfect deli. The selection is large. Ingredients are good. Prices are low. What else do you need?

Java Madness: **1/2

The view is great, the coffee and espresso are not. The sandwich selection is good, and college students get a discount, but the crap smoothies and espresso make this hard to recommend.

Jitters Cafe: ***

Jitters rules the take-out crowd in North Kingstown. Excellent bagel and muffin selection disappears early. Baked goods are acceptable. Espresso is usually decent, as is the drip coffee.

Jim's Deli: ****

Huge, cheap sandwiches are only part of the charm. Misspelled signs, an utterly gigantic selection of seemingly everything, and friendly service make this place the best deli for miles.

Junction Trattoria: ***

First a pizzeria, now a trattoria, it's all good. The sandwiches and pizza satisfy, but the pre-packaged desserts are disappointing.

Lemongrass: **1/2

Touts their many awards. I don't know for what. Sweet & sour stuff is heavy on the batter, rice is bland, meats are tough. Overall, it's more than adequate, but not something to seek out.

Local 121: ***

Beautiful interior slams into good but over-priced food.

Lucce: ***1/2

The dining area is hilariously small, but the food is good and the prices are fair.

Main Street Coffee: ***1/2

I got perfectly formed latte art.

Mediterraneo: **

A huge disappointment. Everything but the pork loin was inadequate. After dinner, house-made limoncello was great, though.

Mozzarella's: ***

Standard neighborhood restaurant sort of deal. Good menu, good prices, good atmosphere. I prefer Gregg's.

Oak (Nero's Restaurant Oak): **1/2

Dishes lack any spice. Nice atmosphere, good service, quality ingredients, but the food is just bland and unbalanced.

The Oak Hill Tavern: ***1/2

The low prices and excellently prepared ribs mean this place is a must-try for BBQ lovers.

Ozzi's Steakburgers: ***

Really tasty burger joint. Wide selection of toppings, good meat, shakes and floats, it's A&W if A&W was better. Service isn't very good or fast, though. Fries are usually really soft. Parking and leaving is a nightmare. If you live in the area, this should be your burger destination.

Pagoda Inn: ***1/2

The best Chinese food in town until Seven Moons showed up. Beef teriyaki is sometimes tough, and sweet & sour chicken/pork is sometimes fried to a hard block of inedible cement. Crab rangoons are my favorite in all of RI.

Pal's Restaurant: ***1/2

Very low prices, great food, the epitome of an excellent local haunt. A wide menu and friendly service are bonuses. Desserts are decent, and the alfredo sauce is a bit watery.

Pane e Vino: ****

My favorite Italian food in RI. They have an amazing Italian wine list.

Pastiche: ****

Beyond-good desserts. Save room at dinner for this place. The coffee is good, as are other drinks, but the espresso is questionable. Sometimes it's decent, others it's downright bad.

Paulie Penta's: ***

A good deli.

Pot au Feu: ***1/2

Good bistro, with too-dim lighting. Upstairs "salon" has excellent service and ambiance. Very good, French food with competitive prices.

The Pump House: ***

A disappointment considering its Red Rooster lineage. It's very bland, but well-made standard continental/American fare.

Rasoi: ***

The food is more traditional than India, but prep and ingredient quality left me wanting. Gristle and tough bits in the chicken surprised me. The naan is fantastic, though.

Rue De L'Espoir: ***1/2

Good brunch, good dinner, good French food.

Sea View Station: **1/2

Standard breakfast joint. Ingredient quality is dodgy at times, but nothing bad.

Scramblers: ***

A good, standard diner.

Seven Moons: ***

A very wide selection of Asian food and good sushi make this likely the best one-stop-Asian-shop in RI.

Seven Stars Bakery: ****

Fantastic bread, baked goods, and espresso make this place a must-visit for Providence residents.

T's: ***1/2

The best breakfast joint around. Good prices, large, clean dining area, and a dynamic specials menu are all excellent.

Taste of India: ***

An, um, Indian restaurant. Everything is quality. Some of the curries are too oily. The meat is of good quality. Service is very good. Their recipes are different, which is good.

Tavern by the Sea: ***

A satisfying place with fresh ingredients, good service, and a wide open al fresco dining area with views of Wickford.

Three Sisters: ***

Good sandwiches, ice cream, and espresso make Three Sisters a good default place to eat.

Trattoria Simpatico: ***

High prices don't jive with some horribly executed meat dishes and uninventive and/or poorly executed desserts. Pasta is fantastic, though, as is the excellent al freso dining area.

Tricia's Tropigrille: ***1/2

Our own little slice of the Caribbean. Good prices, dining area, and selection are nice. Dessert list is a piece of paper in a bottle (cute). Very simple desserts, very cheap, and very good.

Twist: **1/2

Specials are a mixed bag. Drink selection is good. Food is the same as Pinelli Marra's other restaurants for more money.

The Village Hearth Bakery: ****

Possibly southern Rhode Island's best cafe. Bakery is amazing. Dining area is great. Must try.

REVIEW: Mainstreet Coffee- ***1/2 / $

Not too long ago, East Greenwich's main drag was littered with empty store fronts, a few bars, and that was about it. Now it's littered with over-priced shops, cafes, restaurants, and thirty-something yuppies out to get laid as they cruise the street in their financed BMW's, Aston Martins, and Bentleys.

Depending on your perspective, that could be a downgrade. Regardless, route 1 through EG is now one of the nicer walks to be had in Rhode Island. Not as cramped and busy as Warren, not as subtly disgusting as Westerly, and not as smelly and pretentious as Thayer Street.

But what is one to do if one doesn't want to get busy drinking at 2:30 in the afternoon, while being hit on by old, weird men who never seem to leave? Thankfully, for you, there are a few cafes. For those who prefer a finely tuned mini-bohemia, Starbucks is available, which is acceptable as always, but why would you go and do something weird like that when one of RI's best cafes is right down the street in the form of Main Street Coffee.

On your way in, MainCoff is eminently welcoming. With a string of attractive tables, sidewalk art, and comfortable chairs all before you ever get in the door, you can tell this place was founded, and is run, with a degree of passion. The inside is 100% cafe. Wood, floral art, and lots of browns, reds, and blacks do not break any ground in the cafe aesthetic. This isn't a criticism, but more an observation because the interior is very nice. It's a bit cramped, but they make good use of what they have. The large windows running along the front of the building allow copious amounts of sunlight to wash over the room, and when opened during the summer it opens up the entire cafe. It all conspires to create an atmosphere that feels wide open even while being rather small.

An array of tables and chairs are wedged into the street-view area, near the door. The sitting area in the back, with some cushy couches, chairs, and (non-cushy)skylights, that provide the comfiest seats in the house. Still, especially during mid-summer, it's the street chairs I prefer. If you go through the small arches, you'll pass through to the second part of the cafe, which is a bar called the Toscana Lounge, replete with those aforementioned weird, old men. This area also sports lots of dark tones and projects a similarly upscale tone as the cafe area. Don't bother talking to the bartender. She's too busy deflecting come-ons from the weird, old men.

Their food selection is very good. I like their cakes, cookies, pastries, and muffins. Their selection of cakes borders on suicidal. I found too many of their varieties overly sweet. Good, old, chocolate cake is still good. I liked their muffins, very flavorful, moist, and crumbly. Some of their creamy desserts, like mousse, underwhelmed. They had that spongy texture and firmness that comes from pre-packaged mousses. A lemon pastry also tasted like a cleaning agent. These complaints aren't deal-breaking in the grand scheme of their menu, which is solid and supports their drinks well.

Oh, the drinks, but before we get to the coffee, I'll discuss the smoothies. As with a number of places that shall remain nameless... oh hell, I'll name them, as with places like Coffee Exchange, the smoothies, here, are made with juice, syrups, and ice. They do a decent job blending the ice till it's smooth, but that's not really a smoothie. That's a slushie. A smoothie usually has no ice in it. Just look at the Wikipedia entry for smoothie, FRESH FRUIT. I won't knock off any points for this because so many other places are guilty, but if you fancy yourself a smoothie gourmet, take a trip up the road a bit into Warwick and get a real, good, healthy smoothie from Fresh City.

With only a small amount of support food, MainCof doesn't deviate from the cafe model as does places like Brewed Awakenings or Three Sisters. The purpose of your trip is a drink. This puts a lot of focus on the drink because, if it sucks, there is nothing drawing you back. So often am I let down by the quality of the coffee, but here, thankfully, I am not. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I received the best latte I've ever gotten outside of Providence's cafes, here. The espresso was well-pulled, the milk was perfectly texturized and free-poured like a real barista should.

Then, sometime after that, I received an even better latte. So good, in fact, that it's one of the best I've ever gotten. It was made by the owner and was a milky masterpiece. First off, it's not the best latte I've ever had. That honor still goes to CofEx. The espresso wasn't the best roast, in my opinion. I prefer darker, more powerful roasts because they stand out better in a milky drink like a latte. It was a bit astringent on the tongue and was short on body. Flavor was good, some subtle nutty notes, but was otherwise not well-suited to a latte. I wonder if it was an African blend. For lattes, good, ol' fashioned Colombian is my favorite.

Still, like dust and memories, these criticisms are washed away when the espresso is capped with that clarion badge of a master barista, latte art. Not only is this the only latte art I've ever received in Rhode Island, it's some of the most defined, attractive art I've ever received. It may seem like a weird obsession, as the pour has nothing to do with how the drink tastes, but for me the time and care taken to make latte art is what tells me that I'm dealing with a real master of their craft. It says, in no uncertain terms, that the barista gives a crap. Before this, I would have said that CofEx and Blue State Coffee were RI's best, but CofEx and Main Street Coffee are now in a league all their own.

So why not four stars? On a more general level, I always receive quality drinks. The very worst I have ever received is as good as any Starbucks. Cappuccinos are topped with dense, silky foam. And mochas sport attractive swirls of chocolate syrup on top. Unfortunately, CofEx has every one of their baristi perfectly trained, and MainCof doesn't. Being only as good as Starbucks doesn't compete with a place where the espresso is always better. Granted, this criticism also applies to Pastiche, Blue State, and Caffe Bon Ami, so Main Street Coffee is in some good company.

Sooooo, yes. Excellent atmosphere and decor, combined with a solid menu and very good coffee and espresso, allows Mainstreet Coffee to overcome its few mistakes. And while I was impressed with my earlier latte, the caffeinated masterpiece that followed really pushed them over the top. It's East Greenwich's best cafe, and one of the best cafes in the state. In this writer's humble opinion, if you are in the area and don't stop by for a drink, you're just plain dumb.

Mainstreet Coffee: ***1/2

http://www.mscoffee.net (The web address is on their business cards, but the link is dead. I'm not sure what's going on, there.


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137 Main Street
East Greenwich, RI. 02818
401-885-8787

Hours
Monday through Thursday 6:00am to 10:00pm
Friday & Saturday 6:00am to 12:00am
Sunday 7:30am to 10:00pm