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The Smartest Coaches in the SEC

#5 - Nick Saban - (Hat Tip - TIGERWALK)

Smarts ain't everything…In fact, you can go a long way without ‘em (see Dave Rowe), but they sure do help…Especially when your every move, action and word is dissected, analyzed and criticized by thousands of semi-high functioning and relatively powerful folks (the college fan) . Therefore, I put together my list of the Smartest Coaches in the SEC: Who is the best game-planner?...Who gets the most out of his talent?…Who surrounds themselves with the best and the brightest assistants?...Who knows when to hold their tongue and when to launch a well placed verbal assault.

All these factors ultimately translate into points on the scoreboard. When searching for the perfect coach, smarts can’t be ignored.

1. Steve Spurrier - South Carolina: Totally not dumb. Be it on the field, off the field or in a press conference, Spurrier is sharp as a tack. Never showing signs of weakness, he is revered for his innovative football mind and his scathing, smartass remarks. Especially when it comes to opposing schools…specifically UT and Phillip Fulmer. He may be an asshole, but he can back it up. Is there any other coach you'd rather play 18 or share a beer with? Or both. Step to this, I dare you.

2. Bobby Johnson - Vanderbilt: Johnson loses some brain power points for the taking a job at Vanderbilt when he could have held out for a school where scoring a bowl game isn’t akin to winning The Powerball. Otherwise, he's as smart as they come. He does more with less than any other coach in the SEC. He's developed some great unheralded talent (see 3 All-SEC First teamers for 2007) and made Vanderbilt that much less of a punch line. When you can beat talent-stacked Georgia in Athens, you're coaching some smart football. Sadly, I don't care if you're the Stephen Hawking of college football coaching, you're going to lose, and lose your ass at Vandy.

3. Tommy Tuberville – Auburn: Tuberville reminds me of Leo's character from Catch Me If You Can. He loves to outsmart his opponent. Throw them off with a little slight of hand and/or some trickeration. He's also smart enough to know that he can't (and doesn't really want to) do it all. He's been called a genius "CEO" because of the way that he has learned to delegates all the "busy work." He doesn't necessarily coach anything. In fact, he doesn't recruit much of anything either. He merely hires smart and sets his assistants up for success. Naturally he comes out smelling like sweet Kentucky bourbon...all while he’s getting bombed with the Mrs. on Lake Martin. Tuberville loses a few IQ points because he often times lets his ego steer the ship. Whiny public remarks and risky decisions have dotted his career, however throughout the tough times, Tuberville has remained ostensibly, slightly above board and out of the real hot water.

4. Urban Meyer - Florida: Winning a national championship doesn't automatically make you a genius (see: Cheaty Pants McSweatervest) but Urban is no slouch when it comes to football IQ. It takes a brave man to run the spread option offense, but it takes a pretty damn intelligent man to actually pull it off. Conceiving, comprehending and memorizing the spread option playbook is difficult, but teaching it and implementing it with the talent at hand is the real test. And after just one marginal season, Urban pulled it all off beautifully. Of course, it's a little easier to make great wine when you inherit land in Napa Valley. I’ve said before, recruiting NFL caliber talent to Gainesville is about as difficult as getting Katrina victims to cash FEMA checks. Oh yes…Meyer loses major points for crying and generally acting like a silly bitch when things don't go his way.

5. Nick Saban - Alabama: Don't confuse drive and charisma with brains. Nick’s certainly high functioning when it comes to X's and O's, but he never seems to learn from his mental lapses away from the field. More so than another other SEC coach, Nick allows his ego to drive the bus. (wonder why he left a great situation at LSU?) Nick seems to burn bridges at every stop. Be it with the football staff, the media, or the fans. Even so, Saban can certainly turn on the charm when needed: forced media interaction, lying, recruiting (See his cameo in The Blindside). Nick is advanced in many subjects, but he’s also remedial when it comes to sincerity, honesty and tact. While he surely views these character traits as gay and/or superfluous to coaching football, some polish might make life at The Capstone a little bit more tolerable. I for one hope he continues to be a major league dick bandit. Sure makes my “job” easier.

6. Mark Richt – Georgia: Saint Mark doesn’t get the respect he deserves. Especially after last season's craptasticness (losing to Kentucky AND Vandy). Some people seem to forget how Richt took a sleeping giant in UGA and brought it back to the verge of greatness (UGA was an afterthought in the 90's). How can I say UGA is on the verge after 2 SECs in 6 seasons? Well, ask me how many times Richt's beat Florida. um that'd be once. Look for Richt to be considered more than just “a nice guy” with “some success” if/when he reverses the Cocktail Curse. Otherwise, Mark has proven to be extremely wise in the ways of college football coaching: He’s got a great scheme, he gameplans well, and he doesn’t get caught up in dick measuring, ego b.s. that entraps so many other potentially great SEC coaches (See Tuberville and Saban). He just coaches solid ball, with all his ducks in a row, his ego in check and his fly securely zipped. Richt also wins the award for "Coach least likely to Cheat on his Wife." Just thought I'd throw that in there.

You guessed it…I wrote all that in order to justify my Dumbest Coaches In The SEC List…Numbers 7-12 should be coming soon. But don’t hold your breath.

On Notice Returns!

You're On Notice...


Phil Steele's Face - Auburn fans everywhere would love nothing more than to Dirty Sanchez his smug little, handicapper face...or do they? Auburn people seam to thrive on doubt and underdogged status. By the way, I didn't know the recently drafted, Ben Grubbs was that good? Auburn drops from #2 in his preseason 2006 rankings to #41 in 2007. Shnikies! Supposedly, Steele is the most accurate in the business, so maybe the Tigers shouldn't kill the messenger, eh? Phil did pick Arkansas to be a Top 15 team last season, and that made me LOL at his goofy ass! Seriously. Then, the Hawgs went on to a 10 win season. Who's LOLing now? Phil Steele. That's who.

Al F'n Gore - Because of Gore and his global warming, I can't water my lawn. Al, we're all real thankful for the internets, but if you haven't heard, Central Alabama (read: The Ham) is under the ownership of a STAGE THREE DROUGHT. We are getting less water than any other State. Even fake states like Rhode Island. My phallic cactus is even drying up. Not Cool. Supposedly, I can "hand water" (whatever the f that means) two days a week. Those days are determined by my address - 616 - which is then divided by Pi - 3.14 - and multiplied by the square footage of my lawn - Unknown. I say screw that. I irrigate whenever I damn well please. They can arrest me, but I'm taking the Three Flags over Bessemer Waterpark down with me. Why do they get special treatment, eh? WTF? So, Gore. Let's quit this whiney b**ch routine about how you didn't win the presidency but at least you make hip movies that Leo and Sharon Stone gobble up. Quit that s**t, and let's figure out how to make it rain! Pacman, what?

Sabanism - Is Saban a good College Football coach? Yeah, sure. Is he The Alpha and the Omega? Not so much. But here are a few more things that Saban is: Over-hyped, over-paid, over-inflated in the Ego Department. Damn, maybe Saban and The University are perfect for each other. They both came off of losing seasons last year, and they both think they are God's gift to The State of Alabama.

Gordon Gee - He's Vanderbilt's nerd-ass president. He was also the was the most vocal voice shooting down a playoff system at the recent SEC Meetings in Destin. I always realized that money was the reason for the BCS Season, but I still never understood why the schools didn't want a small playoff. The Green would still be there....In fact I don't see any reason to think the money generated wouldn't dwarf the profit of the current system. Hmmm...Why would Florida want a playoff and Vanderbilt wouldn't?? Interesting... I'm thinking Gordy, who gets a fat BCS check from the SEC offices every year is a little worried that his massive bow-tie fund might just dry up in a playoff scenario. Yes, there would be more money in a playoff, but would the Gridiron welfare system remain intact for the have nots? Florida is on board with a playoff cause the Gators know they can pay their own way (win and you're in). Vanderbilt's is just a stow-away on the BCS gravy train.

Academic Integrity - The NCAA can hum on deez. Academic standards are for the Ivy League. The college presidents can't have their cake and eat it too. The more money you make, and the bigger the stadiums become, why make it harder and harder for athletes to qualify for college? First there was a 2.5 GPA required in 12 core courses. This year it's up to 14 core courses and next year, 16 core courses are required! What, are the universities trying to keep all their knowledge a secret? Newflash: The High Schools are not improving in an exponential fashion like the requirements their state universities have to sign a scholarship. Why punish the football player? Do you really think he's taking up somebody else's spot? Maybe if that's the problem we should stop giving so many scholarships to gosh darn foreigners (Tennis, Basketball, etc.) and start educating our own. Crazy I know!

Mobile, Alabama - The Beel is the new hotbed of football talent and controversy. Basically, It's the new Memphis. Playas be ballin' out of control and fools be fixin' grades. By the way, where is all this talent coming from, and why is it all funneling to Red Stick? Sidenote: It seems that Hoover (read: Rush Propst) is getting jealous of the attention and serving up a little scandal of its own.

LOL Cats - Damn who-so-ever came up this bulls**t. Damn you! (No link for you. I will not propagate such atrocities. You can find them on your own time.)

Dave, Dave, and Dave - This is some preemptive hate as I look forward to the football season. Typical Southern good ole boy thinking here. Hey, you're incompetent, you're all named 'Dave' (hayseed much?) and the young college football audience cringes at your every word, but you played a little ball and you've been working for us for a long time. We might as well keep you on indefinitely. Oh yeah, plus you're married to my sister.


Dave Rowe: The cornerstone of the oft imitated, never duplicated "Dave Trifecta"