Man of the People

"F%$& that, lady. No, I will not shake your icky, nicotine encrusted, yellowy hand. Although, I looove that purse...where did you get it!?!"

Who Wouldn't Want to Spend 5 Years With Nick Saban?

When Saban doesn't get a recruit, he in no way acts (or looks) like a spoiled seven-year-old, deprived of his "woobie."

As few may know, yesterday was the first day of spring practice for the Ole Miss Rebels, which was open to the public. It just so happens that somehow Beast/Child 5-Star Hargrave recruit, Bobby Massie was in attendance, on the sidelines with the Rebel proletariat.


cameraphone-o-graphic evidence of the aforementioned beast (provided by crazed Rebel fan)

Naturally, Bobby was assaulted with fanboy questions. However, one question in particular yielded some interesting bits of tid:

He was asked to give a good Nick Saban recruiting story, and he had a pretty good one to say the least. Bobby said he called Coach Saban the night before signing day to let him know that he was going to sign with Ole Miss. Bobby did not even inform the Ole Miss staff that he was going to be a Rebel until the night before signing day, per Bobby, but he did say, "I had a pretty good idea where I was going in December."

Anyway, Bobby calls Nick and Coach Saban stops him before he tells where he is going and said this, "Bobby, do not even tell me where you are going, because if you are not going to Alabama I am turning you into the NCAA. You know you have a chance to start at Alabama at right tackle as a sophomore, and nobody would turn that down unless they did something illegal."

Bobby was stunned. He said he just listened to Coach Saban rant and never said another word about it. He was offended to say the least. That is why he made such a scene at the press conference when he threw the Alabama hat on the ground and put on an Ole Miss hat.

"A chance at starting Right Tackle as a Sophomore with the ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE"!!! Excuse me while I soil myself. How did Massie ever resist that tricky little leprechaun?

Damn it's a great time to be a college football fan in the South. Especially with Dr. Evil living and working just down I-20/59. Even though Nick closed out with one of the strongest signing days in the nation, apparently the world is not enough to satisfy the Prince of Darkness.

[Note: I've confirmed the validity of this "rumor" with the source, as it was told, by Bobby, to a dozen or so fans/media at the first spring practice.]

Update, March 3: According to Ian Rapaport, Bobby denies it...Kinda. He admits he's read the post, but he doesn't go into detail about what is true or false. He does admit talking to Saban the night before signing day (like it says above), and he does admit that he never told Saban he was going to Ole Miss (like it says above). He just says "my words got switched around," so take that for what it's worth.

Sounds to me like someone at Ole Miss asked Massie to kindly "shut up" and put this in the past. I'm thinking young Bobby just learned a valuable lesson in fan/media relations.

Saban just got back from one of those Tacky Christmas Sweater parties

Note: You can blame AL.com video for the craptastic formatting eff ups...hope you had a merry Christmas



Yeah, I know Tiders.

"That sweeter cost more then yure life, barner!"

Even so, lil' Saban looks like my kid nephew at the candlelight Christmas Eve service.

Except my nephew wouldn't look so gosh damn nervous, and pissed all the damn time. Even after Nick's 12-1 season, he still looks as verbally constipated as ever in front of the assembled media...with hate in every shrug of his shoulders, smerk of his evil mouth and repeated utterance of "relative to."

How could you not love this guy? RTR.

By the way, this video was taken on the 28th, so maybe the yet to be disclosed Andre Smith decision was weighing heavily on Saban's alleged soul. Hey, but who gives an eff about that guy? "Andre the Giant" was one of Shula's no-talent recruits, right? On to bigger and better things.


Tider Porn - Happy New Year

Fear and Loathing in Tuscaloosa

My short and sweet photo essay of gameday at the capstone. What an untapped cornicopia of Bama-Fan-of-the-Week awesomeness...




this guys fanhood is bigger than yours




I guess "RTRMFER" was already taken.




we had the pleasure of joining the proletariat in the upper deck




After a trip to Tuscaloosa, creating "smack shirts" is my new life goal. Apparently there's is a huge market for these things. They're like big, sweaty pseudo-offensive greeting cards, but without the wittiness and/or intentional comedy. Seems that one can say whatever dumb shit one wants, as long as it's bold and cap-locked, asshole. Why sit silently and be thought retarded when your tee shirt can remove all doubt?




(why am I suddenly hearing the opening cords of "Gimmie Three Steps" in my head?) Hell effing yes! Keep on rockin' in the free world, brother. (looks like Kid Rock's portly brother actually) Not only is he sporting the most kickass baseball cap known to man, but he's got the Tuscaloosa waterfall to match. Major credit.




The view from my seats...seriously, I didn't even have to move, just turnaround. (Last row, endzone, baby...that's how we roll) Ah Tutwiler, the girls dorm with so many endearing nicknames. "13 Floors of... Totally Not Promiscuous Young Ladies."




Nothing says crimson stud like a camo team hat, a custom lanyard, a never-scared beard, complete with a pony tail holder.




RTR indeed...would have given more credit if it said "2"




Bear would be so proud

Throughout this glorious Saturday, I realized a thing or two. Going to an Alabama game in Tuscaloosa is like having a party at your house and inviting your friends, plus every Stuckey's, Flying J, Waffle House and Hardee's employee between Bossier City and Valdosta. I'll leave you with this...



Nice tube socks [credit: Heath at AverageSouthernJoes] I love how these fine gentlemen say Ole Miss is the best team Bama's gonna face the rest of the season, then they call for a 24 point victory. "Nick Saban vs. God...who ya got?... Da Tahd."

[More Bama/Ole Miss Photo Coverage from Friends of the Program]

Leaving for Tuscaloosabad in the Morning

click to enlarge [rebelsports.net]

This should be interesting. First non-wakeboarding trip to "The Capstone" (whatever the hell that means) since maybe 2005? Bring on the freaks.


we should all be so lucky

Bama's Back...Again...No Seriously, Asshole

[ht: Daniel]

If magazine covers added up to national championships, consider this "13." Apparently the editor over at SI was the recipient of a Bear Bryant organ back in '83. Jeebus.

Everybody loves an underdog (unless said underdog is wearing a houndstooth baseball cap) ...I call it "The Gump Effect."

[last year's fellatio]
[The time Bama was almost back]

Top 10 Reasons Bama Ain't "Back" In 2008

This is dedicated to all the Tider's honest 9-3, 10-2, 11-1 predictions that I've had the pleasure of hearing on Birmingham sport talk this summer. It's quite the vomitous affair. Be it a Friend of Bama conversing about "a '08 champyunship" or discussing how The Tide would soo hypothetically skulldrag numerous lower level NFL franchises. Be that as it may, in friendly retaliation, I give you The Top 10 Reason's Bama Ain't "Back" in '08:


1. John Parker Wilson is still the quarterback. Bama fans seem to quickly forget how much blame and hate they laid at poor Sarah Jessica's feet in 2007. Talk about a nose dive. He's not necessarily as bad as some Alabama fans would have had you believe (last season when they hated him)...He's just not really that good either. Expect more of the same here.

2. 3rd offensive coordinator in as many years. I love how fair Major Applewhite now takes all the heat for the underwhelming performance in two-thousand-Saban. Doth Saban not err?

3. There's only one experienced/talented linebacker on a squad that needs about eight. Remember...Saban fancies a 3-4 Defense, and that's gonna be damn tough with a couple 180-pound, honky walk-ons roaming the defensive backfield. (Scared, say "scared!!")

4. It's an even year (as in '08), so the schedule is hard as balls. @ Athens, @ Knoxville, @ Baton Rouge and @ Fayettenam. Luckily for the Tide, LA Monroe rolls off the schedule, but the War Hawks are replaced with equally-as-impressive (pfffff) Arkansas State, Western-Kentucky and Tulane. Oh yeah, Clemson is a preseason top 10 team that played its last game in The Georgia Dome (against Auburn). Guess where they play Alabama to kick off the season? (The Tiders might need more than one quality LB to stop the best RB tandem in the nation) All this to say, going .500 with this year's schedule will be a vast improvement over last season's cake walk 6-6.

5. Bama fans love to talk about how they were "one missed tackle from beating BCS Champyun LSU" or "one play away from beatin' Georgia." "We was so gosh damn close to 9 wins baby. RTR!!!" Odd. Somehow they fail to mention that they were "one play away" from losing to Ole Miss, Houston, Arkansas and Colorado. Seriously. effing 9 wins? Try 3. 6-6 isn't looking so bad, now is it?

6. Saban has developed a reputation, and it's not a good one. Forget his reputation in the media, how does his obtuseness (putting it kindly) effect the program on-the-field? Well, why do you think he always seems to hire supposed "young, up-and-comers" as "coordinators?" Because nobody already worth a shit will work for him. To have a great program, you must have great assistants (see: Tommy Tuberville). You either have to develop them or you have to get lucky (see: Saban at LSU). Notice where Jimbo and Muschamp are now? Sitting on sweet gigs with two of the friendliest, most laid back Head Coaches in college football. Saban's like a evil, psycho ex-girlfriend to those guys, and they're waving everybody else off of her skank-ass.

7. Saban doesn't seem to think that motivating his team is the head coach's business. It's been documented that Saban's bringing in sports psychologists and various other work/life gurus. Like so many misguided father figures with a fat bankroll, he's decided to throw a bunch a money at the "character" and "motivation" issues of his crimson family. (dramatic pause) But what these at-risk youth really need is a hug. That and maybe a pre-game 8-ball. Which leads me to my next point...

8. The Players appear to hate playing football for Saban. They're not having fun and they most certainly quit on his 4 million dollar ass in two-thousand-saban. To the players and the staff, he comes across with all the warmth and concern of an Iraqi dictator/soccer coach. Plus, it doesn't help when a coach deflects all the blame for a loss toward his subjects players. That's never a crowd pleaser. When something goes wrong in 2008 (and it will) look for the physical incarnation of the players telling Nicky to "go to hell." (see: last season's tailspin)

9. General Bad Karma resulting from all the cop fighting, pit bull breeding, dope smoking and crack rock slangin', motha f***a!

10. What does "Bama's Back" even mean these days? In my humble definition it would mean at least, "back to Atlanta," and that's a tall order for such an underwhelming group. The road to "backness" is paved with land mines. Not the least of which is LSU in Red Stick and Auburn at Bryant-Denny(where, as you know, they've never, ever beat The Tigers) So when will "the tide rise?" When will Bama be truely and unequivocally "back?" By gawd...When can the Tiders print some new, witty tee-shirts?

Don't worry though. Next year is the year.

Bama Fan of the Week - Twofer

EDSBS and The Sporting Blog's Spencer Hall is doing his thing at SEC Media Days. Here, Spence encounters one of the many Tiders that make the yellowhammer state so damn special.



399 effing dollars?!? I wonder what the Mike Shula prints are going for in the discount bin at Bammer Fever?

Oh, and just because I'm gonna be out of town starting tomorrow, I'm feeling generous...Keep the Bama party going with this stud...




Huh. didn't know Bama had Canadian fans. What's more kick ass? Custom jorts or a custom jean jacket?

More Bama/Jimmy Johns Hazing

"Wait just a gosh darn minute. Tha Snake is innocent til proven guilty, you sumabitch...That black boy can go ta hell for all I care...he's guilty as sin, plus Saban says we don't need him no-way." [HT: Byrd]



If only tha bahr was approvingly lookin' down from Golden Flake heaven
[HT: Trey]



[HT: Gordo]


RTR Indeed [HT: Gordo]

Sweet Ass Bama Gear

Jimmy John's garage? Heard whores will do almost anything for blow. This looks like the cover of Tider Rides & Skanks Illustrated [HT: Blake]





Tiders are typically marketing geniuses. Talk about living in the past...The fine print should read: "Paint Chips Are A Tasty Treat" What is Shawn Alexander even doing these days since he got dropped by the Seahawks? Probably somewhere being an annoying, self-important, unemployed douche. Knowshon, I'd take this shirt as a complement. Can't wait for the groundbreaking "Matthew Stafford is no Tyler Watts" Tee. [HT: Duff] [noshawn.com]





Nick tap-dancing Saban! That's a sweet ass purse. RTR!!!!!1

Bama Just Got Served

click to enlarge

Losers with Socks and their crack farking squad have been working overtime...


click to enlarge

[credit to "Scorched Colon" and "WiDEau5" respectively]

Saban Frees Up Another Scholarship, Process Continues

Johns, Jimmy Wesley

Warrants

ID Number Issued Charge 100081495 TR0716971 03/04/2008 Seat Belt Required 100081496 TR0716972 03/04/2008 Driving While Suspended

Arrests

Agency BondType BondAmount Sequence Charge TCSO $20,000.00 1 Poss of Cocaine TCSO $20,000.00 5 Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F} TCSO $20,000.00 6 Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F} TCSO $20,000.00 2 Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F} TCSO $20,000.00 3 Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F} TCSO $20,000.00 4 Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F}

[tuscaloosa county sherrif's office, arrest database]
[al.com story]
[ESPN - Bama linebacker Johns charged with selling cocaine, possessing Ecstasy]

Saban sits in his home-office tapping his finger-tips together, Mr. Burns style, as he unleashes a maniacal, Napoleonic laugh.

"THOSE IMBECILES! I told those newspaper imbeciles that these scholarships were taken care of, DIDN'T I! Ha Ha Ha! What's the loss of a few bricks from my personal stash? There's more yayo where that came from. Don't worry your pretty little head, Ter-Bear. And to think, he was so easily and seamlessly framed. What can I say? I'm THE KING OF THIS STATE!!! I'm the f&%king 4 Million Dollar Man! I'm Nick Saban, Bitch. Ha ha!

WHOOPS! So Sorry, Jimmy. Sorry you had to go down like that, but selfish, thuggish backups such as yourself are a-dime-a-dozen and clearly...so easily disposed of.

TERRY...WHERE'S MY F*&KING GREY SPORT COAT!?! F%$k! I've gotta go do some "damage control"...you know trot out my classic "Relative to Character and The Process" speech and blame it on Shula. HA HA HA HAAAAAA! I F*$KING LOVE MYSELF!"

UPDATE: "And poof. Just like that, he's gone." via ESPN...

It didn't take Alabama coach Nick Saban long to react; he dismissed Johns immediately.

"This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated, and he is no longer a part of our program," Saban said in a statement.

Johns is the 10th Alabama football player arrested within the last year. (Not including "The Snake" RTR!!!!!1)

The Ballad of Nick Saban

LSU fans are so over him...

Everybody Hates Nick, But Why?

[LWS, i'm sure]

Damn I'm a slack ass lately, eh? It's hard out here for a college football blog in May. That's what a wonderful four day weekend in The Shoals will do for you. (best local joke: "If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?") Anyway, I thought, maybe today I'll get back to writing and some light, friendly smack.

Making fun of Nick Saban is somewhat of a cottage industry in SEC Country. Nick Saban is a stereotype. He's "little man" personified. He a glorified P.E. teacher, but in his mind he's better/more important than all of us (yes, even Kige). He's clearly smarter than us, and he certainly talks down to us ("relative to"..my ass!). He blames his coaching shortcomings on the character of somebody else's recruits, but when his former recruits achieve great things like at LSU, well of course that was all him. When the media questions his actions (as they should) he belittles them or threatens to take his toys and leave. He treats the Alumni and "friends of the university" like unruly toddlers, and they seem to lap it up because they're so desperate to be "back." (They all hopped up on tha Hopium! ...Trust me, I understand being overly involved in college football, but damn...just, damn) And he's not even the highest paid coach in the SEC anymore (really, Leslie Miles is)... Not to even bring up all the recent arrests...All these things make it really fun to see him fail!

Is anybody scared of Nick Saban? I sure hope not. He's really just an average football coach. Don't get me wrong...He recruits like no other, but his average coaching instincts, ego and lack of respect for anyone around him is a molotov cocktail of entertaining disaster! Damn, it's a good time to be a college football fan in this state.

Bama Fan of the Week

The Ad Wizard that came up with this new "Got Recruits?" tee...



[bamafever]

Apparently, I've got "the bamafever," because my skin is crawling, my head hurts and think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I don't even know where to start with this sad shit. Who are the assholes that think this up so their fellow sick, dumb assholes will shell out $20 that we all know should be going to delinquent child support payments?

Long Overdue Public Service Announcement: Decent Bama alumni and fans...We all know one or two of you. People with jobs, morals, direction, an ego that's not based on the merits of a long dead football coach and a foundationed home...this is why your fanbase gets made fun of. It's not you...I'm not attacking you. I'm attacking the redneckery, the ignorance, the tardedness (if you will) that causes every damn resident of this state to be perceived as an extra in My Name is Earl. They are why this state is bottom five in obesity, infant mortality, gross income, chromosomes...damn near every gosh damn measurable imaginalbe. It just so happens that 99% of these half-wit, chain smoking, hairy assed, child molesters root for your team. Do not take offense...enjoy it with us. (we laugh to keep from crying, friend)

Back to the shirt...This is a classic trait of the Bama fan. They don't have a damn thing "on the field" to brag about. But they do. They can't help themselves. It's part of their redneck entitlement of being born in "Alabama the Beautiful" during Bear Bryant's living years. They just know they're better than you. (They don't let just anybody drive a fork-lift, you sum-a-bitch)

Ok, so they're bragging...about recruiting. It's one thing to be excited about the future...but to attempt to tell your rival, who has knocked your dick in the dirt 6 years running..."Fear The Future"? That's impressive. Future smack is my favorite kind of smack. "What you gonna say when we beat that ass, huh?" "Hmmm...we'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it, Douchey Doucherton."

This type of back-talk runs rampant on the interwebs and message boards...mostly perpetrated by recent pubescents who are experimenting with ill-advised, and utterly pointless "nut-flexing." However, white trash of all ages is certainly not immune to this form of vicious smack.

Tee shirts that brag are bad enough...Tee shirts that brag about how many 17 and 18 year old boys that a coach of some team you "claim" can attract is a whole nother level of "dumb as hell." The really sad part...this BS probably makes money.

So, Bama alumi and fans, when you see your favorite "friend of the university" git'n-er-done on gameday in one of these turdulent tee-shirt, don't hang your head...just laugh along with the rest of us.

Better yet, take a picture and sent it in. Join the team. Email's on your right.


These gentlemen pre-ordered that ass


[HT: Makeitblue and Someonestolemyusernamedamnit]

Pure Class

Some unknown Bama player seen here seeking out Saban's wallet. An obvious parole violation

[LosersWithSocks via TuscaloosaNews]

Look at the bright side...That's two more open roster spots. I'm still lookin for a decent video.

Edited to add: another view...



[smcmasters via timesdaily]

Saban Doesn't Even Break 80,000 at A-Day

"what's that kid doing on the field? New sport coat?"

Like I've been saying since Alana Colette's assault, Saban's stock would never be higher than it was before his first ball game. And if A-day attendance is any indication, I was right. An estimated 14,000 less than last year.

Two thousand and Saban is in the books and somewhere, Mike and Sheri Shula are smiling as they cash those ridiculous Bama buyout checks. ("I could've gone 6-6!")How could Saban's stock not be down after a .500 effort and a repeat performance at the Poulan Weedeater bowl? Even the most water-brained Bama fans have realized that he's just a man...and he's kind-of an asshole.

But much like Bill Clinton's "character issues" most seem content to overlook personal flaws if their fearless leader is getting the job done (read: winnin' chamyunships). Some coaches come in and win quickly (see: Urban Meyer, Les Miles and Bob Stoops), while others hide behind the "change the culture," or "restock the cupboard" bullshit, which roughly translates as "I'm not as good as you thought I was, but thank God for this oustanding contract."

This year, we'll find out which it's gonna be for Saban. His stock has never been much lower...well, save the nuclear holocaust of La-Monroe.

Related:

- Somebody get me the footage of Saban's numb-nuts nearly getting plowed cause his little ass just had to be on the field during the game. (Talk about a god complex) This from BamaOnline:

SABAN EVADES PRESSURE - Coach Nick Saban watched the A-Day scrimmage from behind the offense rather than the sideline (like every other effing coach), and was nearly knocked off his feet when a John Parker Wilson scramble put him directly in the line of pursuit of defensive end Brandon Fanney. The 265-pound junior pulled up just in time.

"I think that was John Parker's fault," Saban joked. "I think he was running a pick off of me. I will wear a black shirt next year so there's no contact on the coach, but the athleticism to get out of his way shows you that it's still there. I've still got it - quick enough feet not to get run over."

Just leave it to Saban to try and brag about his skillz after looking like a douche. Refs do it all the time and they never brag like Uncle Rico. "yep, still got it." I'm sure Terry could hardly contain herself, you little stud.

- Did they charge admission to the spring game this year? Bama fans (and some national media) love to talk abou the 92,000 last year, but everyone seems to forget that it was a free event. I'm sure if they were giving away free meth at the flea market on Bryant drive they'd most likely sell that stuff out too.

Mindless Morning Youtubery - Tuberfield

This video has it all...Sara Jessica, Alana Collete, Click Clack and Golden Flake. Even so, why would Bama fans be afraid of cheap, gas station potato chips? A big bag of Golden Flake is a given when Tiders pick up that tasty carton of Dorals, right?

[HT: Taylor via The Auburner]

Two-fer Bama Fan of the Week

seriously, this is where it all went down

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said (photoshop, what?).

McFarren, 36, said he can't be certain how long Pam Babcock stayed in the bathroom because "time just went by so quick I can't pinpoint how long." He said beatings Bama received in her childhood caused her phobia.

McFarren said he finally called police February 27 after he became worried because Babcock was acting groggy and talking about dropping a "Shula" -- like she didn't know what was going on, except she was awake.

What emergency responders found when they went into bathroom has left residents of this small western Kansas town buzzing, and law enforcement officials incredulous.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her crimson sweat pants down to mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," talking about the "G** D*** Poulan Weedeater Bowl" and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself. For some reason, clutched in her fingers was a Dennis Franchione bobble head."

Ok, so this really happened in Ness City, Kansas (where ever the hell that is) [CNN], and I kinda took a few liberties with some of the details. But it doesn't not say she's a Tider, and if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Hell, I'd probably spend all my time hiding in the bathroom if I lived in Kansas too. I remember driving through that God forsaken state on my way to church ski trips in Colorado. I think God made Kansas suck really bad so Colorado would be totally AWESOME!!! by comparison. Kinda like Shula ($1.55 Million, 6-6, Shreveport) and Saban ($4 Million, 6-6, Shreveport).


Not Pam Babcock, in happier days

[Boyfriend: Phobia caused woman's 2-year bathroom stay]

Is This the Peer Intervention Group?

Saban, Save us!


click to enlarge [pulled from LWS]

You boys ever seen that movie The Departed? Sheit, well that's exactly what Tubby is doin' to the TPD. If Ears can't win on the field recrootin' national championships, he's gonna get his "boys" in the Tuscaloosa Police department to take down Saban from the inside. Word is, Trey Blackmon was the gunman in the Julio Jones Drug Dealing buddy trial...The Louisiana Monroe loss can actually be attributed to Bill Bellacheat and his New England Patriots dressing up like the La-Monroe Warhawks and Mal Moore invented the internet.

Here's the proof that Auburn has gone too far this time, has no character, and that Chette Williams eats babies...


Tuscaloosa Police = Classless, Racist, Barner Nazis