Blogging: My Evil Temptress

I've been meaning to do this for a while. Previous readers have inquired, "what has happened?"


some light background music while this post melts your face

As I browse through the frivolous, detached good times I've enjoyed at this URL since 2006, there are many things I will miss about blogging.

The creative outlet, the cordial back-and-forth amongst fans, the ivory tower from which to objectify coaches wives, embarrass young athletes and shed a penetrating light on the glut of chromosomally-challenged Tiders. Wow. That stuff was a veritable Jelly-o-the-Month-Club (the gift that keeps on giving, all the year round. AKA: comedic gold), but I digress.

I started this gig, a young buck of 25. I was recently unemployed and some might say rudderless. I was looking for an avenue; a reason to get up before 11am. Blogging was my full time job, and I pumped out one, maybe even two blog posts a day, mind you. We're not talking, "Here's a funny youtube clip of another drunk bama skank". We're talking in-depth opinions, actual thought and a lot a "Top Ten" lists. (always a crowd pleaser)

Then things took off. Finebaum took notice, Matt Stafford happened, Alana Collete Connell, Saban, BFOTW, etc. Business was good. Real good. I even earned a few psychotic, comment stalkers and over 1K hits per day.

Did I say good? Actually business was not good, because minor-league blogging doesn't pay.

Call me the "Crash Davis" of the Blog-o-sphere.

Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once - the 21 greatest days of my blogging life. You know, in the show you never ask to come on Finebaum's show, somebody calls and asks you. It was great. You get linked on deadspin like every other day, your comment threads take on a life of their own, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains.

Ok, those last two don't apply. Even so, it was time to move on. My life was changing and the blog suffered. But instead of putting DSS out of its misery, signing the DNR and getting on with life, I drug things out. Clinging to the good ole days, like some pseudo-journalistic Brett Favre type asshole.

To do this thing right, it has to be your calling, your lifestyle. Unfortunately, that lifestyle doesn't play nice with the non-internet world: A career, a wife, a kid, not being fat. Something had to give. It was fun while it lasted, but as you know, all good things...

So here we are, saying "good bye". Let's be honest. We've all seen this post coming. It's a mere formality now. Some call it "closure".

Don't think you've heard the last of me though. I'll be around. While you're here, visit the "Best of" DSS to your right and remember me fondly.


In closing: The original BFOTW Stud, looking not awkward

Bama Fan of the Week

As if this party wasn't already white-trashy enough...


RTR!!!

Stud Bama Fan of the Week

A reader submission, captured in the wild...


Daniel says, "note the hair"


How could I not note the hair? An impressive specimen indeed. RTR!!!!1

Two posts in one day...you're welcome.

Man of the People

"F%$& that, lady. No, I will not shake your icky, nicotine encrusted, yellowy hand. Although, I looove that purse...where did you get it!?!"

"Welcome to The Nicest Hotel in Birmingham, AL"

"Congratulations...You've got lice."

hat tip: Team Speed Kills

Overheard in the lobby of The Wynfrey at Media days:

"Is you still a virgin if you sex ur sister?"

Need more pictures of unemployed media day groupies.

Bama Fan of the Week - Ninjin' Edition

I usually hate stuff like this, but this dude is effing impressive. He takes over-the-top redneckery and turns it on its ear...whatever the hell that means. He's everything "the cowboy" wants to be when he grows up...



[ridgereb84]

The Single-Wide Wrangler

What am I missing here? Did The Cowboy always have this sweet assed mullet, or did he just recently acquire it in some kind of stereotype fulfillment program?



Well, another sidewalk Bama fan bites the dust. No more Tider talk? What, with the Basketball season's just heating up? Womens Gymnastics and the Bass Fishing team are coming off outstanding recruiting classes, I'm sure. Damn. What am I gonna do for cheap content? Kige's over here shitting the bed...Guess I might have to really try and write something. Thanks assholes.

Bama Sex Worker of the Week

Leslie R. Parker - making all your Mike Price/Mike Dubose fantasies come true

And no, Alana Colete Connell was not listed among the alleged SabaNation Street-Walker Society. Get your mind out of gutter, Barner...

Montgomery police arrested seven women and three men during a prostitution sting Wednesday.

The detail targeted prostitutes who conduct their operations using the Internet or telephone, police said.

Undercover officers were able to set up meetings with women at a hotel in the area.

The possibilities are pretty much endless here.

"Yes, Maam...What package? ... Oh, I'll start off with the SJPW 'Bama Bangs', with a side of 'The Snake' and...hmmm... does that include The Namath 'I wanna kiss you'?"


Link: Not a Julia Roberts in this bunch

[HT: Keith]

Bama Fan of the Week

Little known Van Zant sister, Tina is an avid supporter of the Tide as well as Bass Pro Shop Grand Openings [HT: Darren]

Another excellent reader submission for you. Keep up the strong recon, Darren. I've been warned that the new Bass Pro Shop in Leeds, AL is a veritable cornucopia of crimson comedy. (It's either bass pro, or some random Boat/Outdoors show at the BJCC) However, I never expected this.

Is that even considered a mullet anymore? Ladies, you tell me. It looks like it could be on a Pantene commercial. What do you make of shim?


Edit:

An embarrassment of riches this week. As opposed to posting a third "BFOTW" in three days, I'll simply slip in this lovely reader submitted pic of a prosperous and permed pachyderm...



Somebody's bringing sexy back, and this ain't no proletariat-mullet either [see: top of the post]. Check out that watch, MFer! Notice the hair product. You think he just falls out of his custom, heart shaped water-bed looking like that?

According to our reader, this 80's holdover scored himself some prime-time seats at the Iron Bowl. Interesting...

"Erik, This guy was sitting next to me at the Iron Bowl... Wonderful mullet, Kentucky [ and/or Tuscaloosa] Waterfall like you wouldn't believe, maybe the best part is that this dude was sitting on the 50yd line."

Major credit, Phil. These couldn't be Auburn fans sitting in this Tide Pride section, right? Does this mean Tiders are starting to eat their own?

Serious College Football Analysis: SEC Championship

A little Ole Miss love at the SEC Championship game. Thanks, Tider [Credit: Jason, the sign's author]


How Florida Wins:

• Challenge Bama's weak link secondary; throw deep, intermediate, often
• Off tackle rushing game
• Screens
• Win the turnovers

How Bama Wins:

• Old school grind it out football. Marathon, not a sprint mentality on offense
• Stop the run and force turnovers. Disciplined D - Don't give up big plays
  
• JPW has to step up at some point and win the game

Enough of that football talk, check out these classy Bama fans courtesy of TheWizardofOdds:



One of the famed "Houndstooth Twins" working "the strip" for that ticket



PSA: this kid scares the crap out of me



"Hey, could you not take a picture of my cigarette...I don't wanna nobody thinkin' I'm trashy"



Note to self: Start making really retarded tee-shirts. Sell them in Tuscaloosa.


"play some Skynard!!!"

Bama Fan of the Week - Jackpot

What is with kickass rednecks lately?

Smokin' indoors, drink beer, gettin effed up, havin' awesome hair, listening to some metal tunes and talkin' Crimson Tide football.

Damn right. Generally livin' the dream. RTR!

[warning: foul language and general neckery]

Cowboy > Kige?

It seems our new acquaintance Cowboy is ridin' his "beat that ass" Fat Phil, Tennessee video all the way to the top. Deadspin, roundtableradio... I've even seen folks linking to it on facebook. The original video has almost 70,000 views, for Kige's sake. Move over Ramsey. Don't miss the interview of the century...



Bama Fans and Indoor Smoking...goes together like Bear Bryant and Classyness

Sleeveless in Sylacauga?

It seems Jamezzz ain't the only drunk and lonely Tider crying out for attention on a Saturday night. NoShame's actually got some stiff competition here. No, this self proclaimed "cowboy" ain't from Sylacuaga...He's actually from Tennessee (but he don't like no orange). He's a lifetime Tider that's "only been watchin' Bama for a while." I'm torn...

[warning: profanity laced with excessive facial hair]




Who's wins this Neck-off? I put it to a vote on your right.

[nafoom]

Bama Fan of the Week: "NoShameJamezzz"

If you Wikipedia "The Alabama Fan Stereotype," this is that guy. And If you've ever wondered what a stoned, middle-aged Tider does on a Saturday night, well you are in luck, my friend. RTR, Mr. Jamezzz...

[warning: profane and unkempt]





[more Classic Jamezzz!]
[this video is labeled "Comedy"]

Fear and Loathing in Tuscaloosa

My short and sweet photo essay of gameday at the capstone. What an untapped cornicopia of Bama-Fan-of-the-Week awesomeness...




this guys fanhood is bigger than yours




I guess "RTRMFER" was already taken.




we had the pleasure of joining the proletariat in the upper deck




After a trip to Tuscaloosa, creating "smack shirts" is my new life goal. Apparently there's is a huge market for these things. They're like big, sweaty pseudo-offensive greeting cards, but without the wittiness and/or intentional comedy. Seems that one can say whatever dumb shit one wants, as long as it's bold and cap-locked, asshole. Why sit silently and be thought retarded when your tee shirt can remove all doubt?




(why am I suddenly hearing the opening cords of "Gimmie Three Steps" in my head?) Hell effing yes! Keep on rockin' in the free world, brother. (looks like Kid Rock's portly brother actually) Not only is he sporting the most kickass baseball cap known to man, but he's got the Tuscaloosa waterfall to match. Major credit.




The view from my seats...seriously, I didn't even have to move, just turnaround. (Last row, endzone, baby...that's how we roll) Ah Tutwiler, the girls dorm with so many endearing nicknames. "13 Floors of... Totally Not Promiscuous Young Ladies."




Nothing says crimson stud like a camo team hat, a custom lanyard, a never-scared beard, complete with a pony tail holder.




RTR indeed...would have given more credit if it said "2"




Bear would be so proud

Throughout this glorious Saturday, I realized a thing or two. Going to an Alabama game in Tuscaloosa is like having a party at your house and inviting your friends, plus every Stuckey's, Flying J, Waffle House and Hardee's employee between Bossier City and Valdosta. I'll leave you with this...



Nice tube socks [credit: Heath at AverageSouthernJoes] I love how these fine gentlemen say Ole Miss is the best team Bama's gonna face the rest of the season, then they call for a 24 point victory. "Nick Saban vs. God...who ya got?... Da Tahd."

[More Bama/Ole Miss Photo Coverage from Friends of the Program]

Bama Fan of the Week

just one of the perks of working the third shift at the Firestone plant [matt]



Nerd-Neck: one of tuscaloosa's top exports...sweet man-cankles too [stephen via dirty d]



Bonus (kickass tattoo edition):


You might not have even noticed this subtle tat through all the foliage and chickenpox



"Wow, nice pasty teet...er, tat."

Red Tide Diaries

Not Spencer Pennington...Not sober?

True tales of Tider encounters, from real readers. Names have been changed to protect the innocent...

"I was at [a long standing, Mountain Brook Barber shop] getting my hair cut this morning and listened in on some Tiders discussing the big game this weekend. Oddly enough 3 of the four were very realistic about the game this weekend. They do believe we have a shot at beating UGA, and even agreed with me it was small and this is the first real test we've had this season. The team is healthy and ready to roll...However, the one fan lived up to the Tider Nation true. She is the the mullet sporting, fried hair from the curling iron, tat on the upper arm barber. Thankfully she didn't cut my hair, but did torture me with her obvious lack of college, nay high school education. It was a painful reminder of the typical Tider fan and that many do believe we will win the NC this year. Though I didn't hear claims of a NC from the Tide out of this individual, I did hear that Spencer Pennington was going to bring the Tide a victory over the UGAly bulldogs this weekend. Yes, I just said Spencer Pennington...the roar of laughter in the barber shop shook the bowels of Mountain Brook. Thankfully I was done getting my cancer patient haircut and got out before she was fired...I'm sure.

She might be a METH addict."

- Dirty D.

Just goes to show you...living in the past not only makes you look like a silly asshole, but it can also cost you your job. The Lesson: It is better to merely cut hair and be thought a troubled, drug addicted Tider, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Thanks for sharing, Dirt.

If anyone else has a recent, even mildly entertaining true life encounter with a SEC fan, do not hesitate to send it in. Seriously...I could use the help.

Bama Fan of the WTF?

So she's no Alana Collette, but that sure is a Bama "script A" (see: the Atlanta Braves original) on this young perpetrator's right cheek. Thanks to the keen eye of reader Joe Blow, we get this perplexing young lady, fresh from The Smoking Gun.

The website gives no real explanation, but we all know that a Bama tattoo, no matter how temporary, is considered probable cause for Meth abuse in 7 states and West Virginia. Ask a lawya.

If you're drunk, don't blow...and if you're tweakin' on hillbilly heroin, tell that pig "I'm obviously a Vandy alum and will have your badge if you continues this backtalk. And get your effing hands off my Trans-Am."

It's common sense really. RTR!!!

By the way, had to give credit to this stud from the same series...


Bama's sleeper linebacking sensation, LaPervis Griffin looks on

Bama Fan of the Week - Ob-la-de, Ob-la-da!

Joey Barrett Jr.




Remember this stud?

On November 18th, 2005, the night before the annual Iron Bowl between Auburn and Alabama, Joey Barrett, Jr., a lifelong Alabama fan and now 25, went to a fraternity party at Auburn and yelled “Roll Tide!” A brawl then broke out, with Barrett stabbing one of the fraternity brothers.

The brother was hospitalized with a collapsed lung. Two others who were lucky enough not to get stabbed were also hospitalized.

Yeah, well somehow, almost three years later, Joey's still making his UAT brethren proud. As The Sporting Blog and al.com reported, not only is Joeseph a stabby, mixed marshal arts douchebag...He also bribes retarded people. [letting that thoroughly sink in] Quite the resume builder...

The defense attorney in the 2006 trial told jurors that Louie Holtz, now 40, of Mobile, would admit to get ting caught up in the fight and testify that it was he, not Barrett, who stabbed the fraternity brothers. The judge in the case, however, ordered Holtz to secure counsel, noting that Holtz had previously been declared mentally retarded.

Holtz's attorneys subsequently advised him not to testify.

Because the jurors had already heard that someone else was going to admit to the stabbings, however, the judge declared a mistrial. Abbett said investigation into the case continued after the trial, eventually revealing that Barrett had offered Holtz a car in exchange for taking the heat on the assault charges.

OK, this wasn't just incredibly, dreadfully god-awful, but it seems pretty feeble-minded to me. Can retarded folk even drive? It's kinda like trying to bribe me with free birth control pills or a Boeing 747. Not so fast, Tider!

Wonder what Corky thinks about this mess...



In related news, how amazing is it that the special dude's name is Lou Holtz?

Bama Fan of the Week?

Reader LSU-David sent us a lovely image from his vacation to the nuevo Redneck Riviera, Destin, FL.

His testimony claims these fine specimen are Tiders, and the evidence is extremely compelling. If only David could have walked by, raised a Busch light and proclaimed, "RTR, Baby!!!" for confirmation purposes...


clickage to enlarge

The Story, as told by LSU-David:

My wife, child and I got to the beach about 9:45am on this morning and proceeded to the two chairs and an umbrella that was provided by the rental. We noticed some rather interesting characters "erecting a tent" in our area and at the time they were wearing Alabama gear (hats and t-shirts).

After about an hour, the tent was up, the death metal blaring out of their "Dewalt" construction radio, and the bama gear came off! I guess they don't make a bama bikini! [houndstooth business venture?] 1:20 minutes into the events, they proceeded to light up cigarettes, within 20 feet of my two year old.

Wow. Thanks, David. Your MS Paint-work was just an added bonus. As brother Dave alluded to in the rest of his email, when the LSU fanbase is questioning your class, you might want lay down the filterless Pall-Malls and take a long, hard look in the mirror.

My Rant: Destin = PCB on Valtrax. The quaint little fishing village has developed into quite the bloated whore. The above imagery is the perfect example of why I've given up on this section of the beach. It's gone mainstream, and as the geniuses at Sweetwater says, "don't float the mainstream." Next thing you know, Destin's gonna pop up with it's own NHL team or something ("The Emerald Coast Trash-Kats?")

I used to frequent Destin in college, and it served it's purpose. But I've clearly matured (right?) and things locally have gone down hill, fast. I like my vacations a little more relaxing, less trafficy and disease free. I don't get enough days off to pay for Destin's crap.

[Another Tider classin-it-up at the beach]
[Loserswithsocks doing my work for me]