Bama Fan of the Week: "NoShameJamezzz"

If you Wikipedia "The Alabama Fan Stereotype," this is that guy. And If you've ever wondered what a stoned, middle-aged Tider does on a Saturday night, well you are in luck, my friend. RTR, Mr. Jamezzz...

[warning: profane and unkempt]





[more Classic Jamezzz!]
[this video is labeled "Comedy"]

Top 10 Reasons Bama Ain't "Back" In 2008

This is dedicated to all the Tider's honest 9-3, 10-2, 11-1 predictions that I've had the pleasure of hearing on Birmingham sport talk this summer. It's quite the vomitous affair. Be it a Friend of Bama conversing about "a '08 champyunship" or discussing how The Tide would soo hypothetically skulldrag numerous lower level NFL franchises. Be that as it may, in friendly retaliation, I give you The Top 10 Reason's Bama Ain't "Back" in '08:


1. John Parker Wilson is still the quarterback. Bama fans seem to quickly forget how much blame and hate they laid at poor Sarah Jessica's feet in 2007. Talk about a nose dive. He's not necessarily as bad as some Alabama fans would have had you believe (last season when they hated him)...He's just not really that good either. Expect more of the same here.

2. 3rd offensive coordinator in as many years. I love how fair Major Applewhite now takes all the heat for the underwhelming performance in two-thousand-Saban. Doth Saban not err?

3. There's only one experienced/talented linebacker on a squad that needs about eight. Remember...Saban fancies a 3-4 Defense, and that's gonna be damn tough with a couple 180-pound, honky walk-ons roaming the defensive backfield. (Scared, say "scared!!")

4. It's an even year (as in '08), so the schedule is hard as balls. @ Athens, @ Knoxville, @ Baton Rouge and @ Fayettenam. Luckily for the Tide, LA Monroe rolls off the schedule, but the War Hawks are replaced with equally-as-impressive (pfffff) Arkansas State, Western-Kentucky and Tulane. Oh yeah, Clemson is a preseason top 10 team that played its last game in The Georgia Dome (against Auburn). Guess where they play Alabama to kick off the season? (The Tiders might need more than one quality LB to stop the best RB tandem in the nation) All this to say, going .500 with this year's schedule will be a vast improvement over last season's cake walk 6-6.

5. Bama fans love to talk about how they were "one missed tackle from beating BCS Champyun LSU" or "one play away from beatin' Georgia." "We was so gosh damn close to 9 wins baby. RTR!!!" Odd. Somehow they fail to mention that they were "one play away" from losing to Ole Miss, Houston, Arkansas and Colorado. Seriously. effing 9 wins? Try 3. 6-6 isn't looking so bad, now is it?

6. Saban has developed a reputation, and it's not a good one. Forget his reputation in the media, how does his obtuseness (putting it kindly) effect the program on-the-field? Well, why do you think he always seems to hire supposed "young, up-and-comers" as "coordinators?" Because nobody already worth a shit will work for him. To have a great program, you must have great assistants (see: Tommy Tuberville). You either have to develop them or you have to get lucky (see: Saban at LSU). Notice where Jimbo and Muschamp are now? Sitting on sweet gigs with two of the friendliest, most laid back Head Coaches in college football. Saban's like a evil, psycho ex-girlfriend to those guys, and they're waving everybody else off of her skank-ass.

7. Saban doesn't seem to think that motivating his team is the head coach's business. It's been documented that Saban's bringing in sports psychologists and various other work/life gurus. Like so many misguided father figures with a fat bankroll, he's decided to throw a bunch a money at the "character" and "motivation" issues of his crimson family. (dramatic pause) But what these at-risk youth really need is a hug. That and maybe a pre-game 8-ball. Which leads me to my next point...

8. The Players appear to hate playing football for Saban. They're not having fun and they most certainly quit on his 4 million dollar ass in two-thousand-saban. To the players and the staff, he comes across with all the warmth and concern of an Iraqi dictator/soccer coach. Plus, it doesn't help when a coach deflects all the blame for a loss toward his subjects players. That's never a crowd pleaser. When something goes wrong in 2008 (and it will) look for the physical incarnation of the players telling Nicky to "go to hell." (see: last season's tailspin)

9. General Bad Karma resulting from all the cop fighting, pit bull breeding, dope smoking and crack rock slangin', motha f***a!

10. What does "Bama's Back" even mean these days? In my humble definition it would mean at least, "back to Atlanta," and that's a tall order for such an underwhelming group. The road to "backness" is paved with land mines. Not the least of which is LSU in Red Stick and Auburn at Bryant-Denny(where, as you know, they've never, ever beat The Tigers) So when will "the tide rise?" When will Bama be truely and unequivocally "back?" By gawd...When can the Tiders print some new, witty tee-shirts?

Don't worry though. Next year is the year.

The SEC Is About To Get POWEnd

Here Jerrell is seen with some stupid, skinny white kid (most likely a walk-on)

While this is obviously earth shattering news in North Mississippi (and very few points beyond!) I can see the turdulent signage now (take this post's title for example).

Ole Miss fans are akin to that Inigo Montoya dude from The Princess Bride. After four years of trial, tribulation, and illiteracy scandals, now that Jerrell Powe has been cleared to play SEC Football, most Reb fans don't know what the hell to do with their various lives. What partisan, college-football-related injustice should they champ'yun?

Let's be honest here. The fans just want to see this 6'2" 330 lb offensive-line-decimating beast-child get a fair shot at a decent education, right?

My favorite quote from Rivals:

"Anybody ready for a Powe-boy sandwich?"

Does Jerrell have a brother? Where do I sign on for this?

Bama Fan of the Week meet "Where's Waldo?"

click to enlarge [credit: jim]

It's a veritable cornucopia of crimson shame. All my favorites. Some I know, some I am meeting for the first time. Wow, I can almost smell the flea market on Paul Bear Bryant Blvd. Smells like...Turdulence!

By the way, where are the two skanky, fake blond, houndstooth hat sporting attention whores?

Thanks, Jim. Keep the farks a comin'.

More Great Bama Content!

Bama Fan of the Year?

While browsing the internets this morning, I came upon a "story" that was obviously too awesome to ignore. On the crazy scale (with 1 being that really nice, ostensibly educated and strangely humble Bama grad neighbor and/or relative of yours, 8 being Alana Collette Connell and 10 being Pinson) This Stud is right up there with the best of 'em. Bama should be awarded a 13th Nashnul Chamyunship for merely being associated with such greatness.

To complement this piece, I'd like you to envision this, "Original" Bama FOTW and FUBU aficionado as you read the eloquent words of a Tider:

"i want to thank Saban for destroying my family. My sons grandparents are auburn fans and we visit them only at deaths in the family. Well we Lost a 41 year old Auburn fan and preacher on Nov 11 2007. So we got together for the Funeral.the first time in two years because we are Bama fans. They ask us to come to their home for Christmas so we can help with the lost of their youngest son. we agreed when we left their house my sons one is 24 one is 16 said if Auburn beats Alabama they never wanted to see them again. Guess what we lost and thanks to the sorry backs and Quarterback we have and the 4 million dollar coach we lost our family for good. Thanks for destroying our hope our faith and family and the youth of Alabama's hopes forever. My 24 year old was going to transfer. this year if Bama Won but who wishes to play with a bunch of loser like the ones that take the field in Alabama, "

Posted at 9:38AM on Nov 26th 2007 by screwauburn

[HT: The Fanhouse via Brain at The Fanhouse]

More "Fear the Index" Celebration

- This kind of stuff is what makes college football the greatest game evah. BTW, Quinton Groves is a Manimal.

[HT: Trackemtigers]


- Here a few shots of our soldiers rolling "Toomer's Corner East" somewhere in Iraq (looks like Tuscaloosabad)...





Saban-in-a-row? Ok.


That's a lot of potato peelin'

[HT: Robert]


- And as you might have heard, while Toomer's East was well protected, the original was under fire...literally. Turns out the trees were not damaged as badly as it might appear. Mostly a TP fire (we all that goes. what?)...


sour grapes?


I think all the security pit-bulls would have been better utilized here


Who would have done something like this? COULD IT BE SABAN!?!

[HT: Makeitblue]

Must See Youtubery From Week 13

It's Business...It's Business Time



Coolest. Ref. Ever. Actually, it's said to be based on a vintage badass ref (oxymoron?) from the 80's who made a similar call in the pro ranks. Kudos to an official having a bit of fun in an otherwise snoozer of a blowout.


Auburn Cornerback Gets Vicked



Most of us southerners already witnessed this craziness live, but it's worth another look when animals attack! What the hell is Auburn thinking? Pit Bulls in the end zones? I love how Auburn gets their security/sodexho workers literally surrounding the field at some point in the third quarter. What a waste. Was there really a chance of anyone rushing the field after this Iron bowl? I love how the dog gets escorted off the field too...What a thug.


Is it Still Two-Thousand-and-Saban?



Looks like Tubby's workin' on Saban-In-A-Row (can I get a copyright?). Somebody alert Matt at Sportscrack to the endless tee shirt possibilities. [Impressive]


The Nail in The Orgeron's Coffin

Note: This entire video takes place in the last 8 minutes of the Egg Bowl. Ole Miss is sitting pretty with a 14-0 lead on the road in the "big" rivalry game, and the Rebs are desperately trying to avoid a big 0-8 in the SEC in Orgeron's third season. So, you just play smart football, pin 'em deep and work the clock, right? Of course not. Orgeron decides to "go for it" on 4 and a long 1 near midfield with a 14 to nothing lead on the road. Enjoy the last few minutes of the Ed Orgeron Era (tear)...

Youtubes and A Little Extra

Hope you had a great turkey day (other than the pathetically lopsided displays of football). Here's a few left-over tidbits from the last few days...

To cleanse your palate of all that nasty tryptophan and get you ready for today's pathetically lopsided displays of college football, how bout a little interpretive dance (complete with an interpretive, incognito computer chair)...



Now here's a great little video I found linked on Georgiasportsblog that chronicles everything we love about the Florida Gators over the last few years (I really have no issue with the Gatas -other than Joakim-, even so, this is quite humorous)...


"You even suck in class...can't listen to John Kerry without tasers on your ass"

Sad News:

For some ungodly reason, this blog has always received a ton of google hits based on the search terms "Jay Barker Divorce" (Not that I've ever written about his alleged disunion). Jay Barker of course being the former mythical national championship winning Tide QB and current WJOX morning show host. What makes these rumors even more sad and surprising is Jay's status as practicing Super Christian.

I finally did a little research to see what all the hubbub was about...Apparently, when there's smoke their fire (the fire being nothing but unsubstantiated internet rumor of course).

According the the al.com messageboards, people who care about "new country" are saying that Jay is in fact divorced (who is at fault is still unknown) and was seen on the red carpet at the CMAs with recent divorcee Sarah Evans. Yeah, that Sara Evans.

Nice save, Jay. Way to stick it to your Ex and out-punt your coverage. Romo who?

Bama Fan of the Week

Iron Bowl Edition



Tons of Fun is back! This portly attention whore is still keepin' it real in '07 with his transitions lenses. The real story here is who gets the pleasure of painting this stud every week? I bet he has to beat the lusty sororstitutes off with stick.


Whoops! Missed a spot just below the saddle bags. Also, it looks like somebody did a pretty poor job with the lower back/upper ass, deciduous, vomit-on-my-monitor region. Somebody get this specimin a "Mike Shula Never lost to The Sun Belt" tee shirt, stat!

Edit: In the interest of a fair and balanced blog, I welcome any Auburn fan pics that can top the above turdulence.

La Effing Monroe?

When Nick Gets Nervous, He Just Sticks His Hands Under His Arms Like This...




Nick Saban Apologist: "Well, Coach lost to UAB his first year at LSU and then went on to kick some ass!"

Truth: You can't compare the two losses. UAB was a 7-4 team in a much better conference than the Sun Belt. Fact is, the lowest paid coach in Division I just beat the highest paid coach. Irony is such a bitch!

NSA: "Shoot, Mike Shula couldn't of done no better."

Truth: Mike Shula DID do better. With his own "talentless" players (largely the same players Saban's working with) Shula beat the mighty Louisiana Monroe War Hawks 41-7. The way you should be a Sunbelt team.

NSA: "John Parker Wilson just ain't a SEC quarterback."

Truth: "In 2006, Wilson started all 12 games for the Crimson Tide. He finished the season with a passing efficiency of 128.92, completing 216-of-379 (57%) passes for 2,707 yards, 17 touchdowns and ten interceptions. He threw for over 200 yards in the first seven games of the season, setting a new school record, and finished with a school record nine 200-yard games."

Funny, nobody was questioning JPW last year, in his first season as a starter. I wonder what the only difference is? Oh yeah, it's coaching.

NSA: "Shula couldn't recruit worth a damn and that's why we're in this hole."

Truth: Shula recruited pretty well actually. Certainly well enough to win football games in the SEC. From 2004-2006 (players who are currently playing) Shula averaged in the Top 15 classes Nationally according to the gurus over at Rivals. Louisiana Monroe ended up just slightly lower, averaging a Bottom 15 class during that time span (or 104th best nationally).

NSA: "Coach Saban's just gotta change Shula's culture of losing. Believe in the process. Think like a Champ-yun!"

Truth: How long does it take to get your players in shape and grow some coaching balls? Shula was 10 points shy of a 9 win season in 2006. Granted, he didn't finish games in the 4th quarter, but that has to be attributed to his lack of balls or possibly the team's conditioning. Saban's shortcomings certainly can't be attributed to a lack of talent or a lack of balls. Saban's certainly willing to take the risks, but he's still not getting results. Maybe he's just not as good as Shula was gettin the team ready each week.

A few more great excuses


Victorious ULM Head Coach Charlie Weatherbie earns $120,000 a year, while loser Nick Saban "earns" $333,000 per game (or $11,000 a day...game or no game)


When are the fans of Bama gonna quit touching themselves to thoughts of Saban led Champyunships long enough to admit that Nick and staff are getting less out of Shula's players than Shula did. Could Saban be nothing more than a pompous, extremely well paid, top-notch recruiter with mediocre game planning, teaching and administrative skills? (Paging Ed Orgeron) At least he's got some kick ass Just for Men hair.

I said in the preseason that Nick Saban would never be more popular in this state than he was at that moment...leading up to his first game. Truth is, he's not omnipotent, he's not Bear Bryant, and Bama's Not Back. Saban might yet become the savior of the common Alabama man's self worth, but it's gonna be later rather than sooner.

Imagine what Saban could do if he wasn't such a dickface...If he could attract talented/experienced position coaches and coordinators?!? Imagine if Saban wasn't a huge fatty gunt...then maybe the media might cut him a little slack for Alabama's first Sun-Belt loss ever. Imagine is Saban was not the highest paid coach in college football who was staring 4 straight losses and ".500" in the face. No, Rome wasn't built in a day...But The University of Rome didn't get its ass kicked by the Peloponnesian College for the Deaf and Blind either.

Gator Fans of The Week?

Just in time for Halloween, reader FBZ in Savannah (UGA fan) adds insult to Florida injury with these loathsome, and deeply disturbing gator gameday pics. I have to give the Gates credit though. These handy-tards are on par with anything Bama, LSU or Tennessee has to offer. Well played.




I'm speechless. Wait, no...no I'm not. This "Uncle Rico" embodies every stereotype in the white-trash playbook. From his ripped stone-washed jeans (possible jortage??) to his strawberry-blond, grown-man mullet. From his red neck to his gold chain. From his unfounded cockiness to his unfortunate facial hair. If in the above picture he's not yelling "WOOOOOOOOO!!! GATORS RULE YOUR ASS, MOTHER EFFERS!" then something is terribly, terribly wrong.




This must be the Cooper Manning of the Tebow family. Gotta love the reactions. Even the lady on the jumbtron is disgusted. Notice our previously featured "Mulletude Man of the Year" in the bottom left corner who appears to be lecturing Tons-of-Fun on classy fan behavior.




"The Thinker?"...More Like "The Stinker." Is this Gator serious? Is that a Halloween costume/wig? I was under the assumption that the infamous "Rat-tail" had gone the way of "The Shula" in the lower 48. I stand disgusted.




And Finally, because FBZ was kind enough to submit these pics, we have posted a little something for the Bulldog spank bank. Enjoy yo-self, and send more pics.

Thank God It's Whale-Tail Tuesday!

I asked for classy content, and I'll be damned if Taylor from Bleed Orange and Blue didn't answer that classy content bell... like a champion.

See, Taylor teaches us a valuable lesson: If you're not going into your gameday experience armed with a digital camera and a dedicated resolve to snap stealthy, candid photos of the local wild-life, you're doing us all a disservice.

Half the fun of gameday in places like Tuscaloosa, Baton Rogue or in Morgantown, West Virginia is enjoying/laughing at the opposition's county fair-esque, freak-show of a fanbase.

I submit these candid shots from last weekend's Auburn/LSU game for your approval:


Oh, this was no mistake - Notice how she's "80's knotted" her shirt for maximum skankage



Daddy didn't hug this one enough

"The real question is whether her name is Alabama or she is referring to UA."

- Taylor

The Lexington Brothers Hate Doyle Jackson Too

This is a great little diddy stemming from the asshattery that Instant Replay Scrotebag, Doyle "The Bear" Jackson perpetrated on SEC Fans everywhere by robbing us of a great college football game. "Indisputable," my ass. Or as my buddy John would surely say, "there's only one thing indisputable here, and it's in my pants."



You say..."Get over it?" I say..."Suck Yourself." This ain't over until we decide it is. More developements to come in the wake of Doyle-gate.

Oh, and you'll find more on The Lexington Brothers - Here - as well as Blue Mule Film - Here.

Mindless Morning Youtubery - Now With 33% More Rant

Tribute to Another Outstanding Former Vol



Bradyfan is Back.

"...When your sperm out swim those of Shawn Kemp."

That kind of lyrical content is strong, to quite strong. Jeez, I still can't get over it: Henry has Kemped NINE kids by NINE different women and failed two straight drug tests. I'm thinking they should have a Fulmer Cup for post-collegiate turdulence. "Fulmer's fatty iron fist of discipline extended to the Pro Ranks" Model citizens like: Albert "Stomp yo Ass" Haynesworth, Leonard "Drunken Vehicular Manslaughter" Little and Jamal "Federal, Pound me in the Ass" Lewis.

What do all these f'n scrote sacks have in common? You guessed it...The University of Tennessee. What a bunch worthless, debt to society pieces of sh*t. And we reward them by allowing them to play professional football?

If there is any convincing evidence to fire Phil Fulmer, it should be, without a doubt, the trail of pathetic, felonious sh*tbags who have "graduated" from his program. (Damn, I went and got pissed)

This Just In...Houston Nutt May Be On The Hotseat

My favorite part of this photo is the obligitory collegiate mating gesture lurking in the background. Damn Crazy Kids - HT: Brian

I don't know, but I'm kinda sure I could write an entire Encyclopedia Britannica (not just one volume but the entire set) on the drama, the craptasticness and the turdulence that has been Arkansas Razorback Football over the last year.

So, instead of attempting to help or to offer a viable solution to the plight of Hawg fans, I think I'll just pile on one more semi-solid turd in this, Houston "Hot-Carl" Nutt's farewell tour to BCS Coaching...

Real Men of Genius: Houston Nutt Edition


Thanks to The Omnipotent Wizard of Odds for finding this gem

What's it Like to be an Ole Miss Fan?

It's like having a Bama-Grad Replay Official Tapdance on your Nuts...



It's the Irony of Alabama Coach Nick Saban calling anyone classless...

"There is no class in that," Saban told reporters after the game. "I just want our players to represent the university with class. If [Ole Miss fans] want to be classless, that's their business."

It's Never Getting a Close Call Your Way...

Anybody recall the Phantom hold that nullified a game winning blocked punt/touchdown in last years Georgia game? I do. That SEC Crew got fired. Still doesn't help Ole Miss. Back to this game...How about the non-review on the "non-fumble" by the Bama running back in the first half? Potentially huge for Ole Miss. If I were an Ole Miss student at that game, and I didn't like my chances with my date, I probably would have thrown her skank-ass on the field too...not to mention her heels.

It's Not Being Able to Watch The Crutial End of the Game Live Cause Your Cousin's Getting Married...

It was probably for the best...I avoided much unneeded pain and suffering (read: dropping multiple "naughty words" in front of small, innocent children). On another sour note, I didn't even make it to The Houndstooth in Wrigleyville. Turns out with all the train riding and cab fares it would have cut into my game watching bigtime...So I just settled for ESPNZONE...which was ok, I guess. More on that later.

Again, it was for the best I didn't go to The Houndstooth...After a game like that, something bat-shit crazy would have certainly taken place. I can't see it ending any other way: (Think: Michael Jackson's Bad) Me and some big, fat Bama fan of the week handcuffed together, dance-fighting in circles with our switch-blades drawn.

So, needless to say, I'm glad I didn't go there.

More Reaction to the Call:

- Fanhouse
- ESPN
- Orgeron and A.D. Pete Boone Speak Out
- al.com: "Very Questionable"

Quote of the Weekend

Great stuff from Losers With Socks...

"The shortest verse in the Florida Playbook:
Tebow Wept."

- Jai Eugene, LWS

They also feature a few great screen caps from the game...


Tebow taunting and dialing up another loss - WWJD, Tebow?


Now we know why Tebow Wept...It was shim


Don't want to hear about the officials handing LSU the game

Thursday, Fugly Thursday

HT: Mzone

A Vicious Cock Fight!

Maybe it was the rain. Maybe it was the ranking, or the hype. Maybe it was Memphis.

What many thought would be the glorious Andre' Woodson Heisman Coming Out Party, on its national stage with two highly ranked SEC teams doing battle in a rare, legitimate Thursday night throw down, actually turned out to be more of a circus of drunken, epileptic, mongoloid clowns farting wildly and tossing feces at one another. And they weren't tossing it very well.

Woodson actually accounted for as many South Carolina touchdowns as he did Kentucky (2), and he threw yet another pick. So much for that Heisman pipe dream. Damn, he looked bad last night!

Smelley didn't look awful (must. not. make. obvious, pathetic, joke), but I don't think I've ever seen more over-thrown deep passes. That goes for both QBs.

How about that ridiculous first five minutes? Or Smelley's safety avoiding, intentionally grounded turd flung from the lindsey lohan position? What was that all about? How about Jasper Brinkley's capri pants? Brick killed a guy. It was one crazy-assed, moist and soggy, turnover laden grudge match.

So are Spurrier's Cocks really in the divisional driver's seat? Lou Holtz certainly thinks so. Crap. Head-Ball-Coach's preseason talk about winning the SEC isn't quite as humorous now is it? I'm not sayin they're gonna win it, I'm just sayin. Yeah, Click-Clack, you Smelley, pirate hookers.


Second only to the "MOREHEAD" State Hat in it's quasi-preppy, high schoolish, ironic, "I'm not getting any...really," totally acceptable douchebaggery

Mike Gundy - Coors Light Commercial

I've largely ignored the Mike Gundy vs. Crappy, Lady Reporter situation, cause you can get that kinda junk anywhere. This...This Video however, is one of the few truly note-worthy tidbits to emerge from this Oklahoma bitch-fest. Bravo to the makers of the below youtubes...

Laugh at This Florida Fan's Pain

Some seemingly 12-year-old, potty mouthed Gator fan was none-to-happy with the outcome of Saturday's game. At least he's still supports his team though. He just wants Urban fired, and I think he called Tebow a "fag" or something. Either way, he's gonna make some lady Gator a fine husband one day... "WHAT DO YA MEAN YOUR EFFING PREGNANT!?! YOU STUPID G.D. COW!!! ICE THE EFFING KICKER!!!" (NSFW):