Bama Just Got Served

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Losers with Socks and their crack farking squad have been working overtime...


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[credit to "Scorched Colon" and "WiDEau5" respectively]

How Does the Cream of the LSU Fanbase Tailgate the Summer Away?

Note to Self: Cancel vacation to Lake Maurepas, Louisiana then punch thyself in the face. Damn, this video gives me the willies. Nice mullet, Mom and equally excellent parenting. Also, who's the horn-dog creepster-trash working the camera? Hell. I wonder what the urine content of the water is near that sand bar. At least they're "keepin' it real" with the LSU flavored Rebel Battle Flag.

Congrats on your life, a-holes.

Bama Fan of the Week

Here we find Alana Colette Connell's sugar daddy in a bit of a pickle. Or could it be Mr. "Country Ass Whoopin" himself from Realtown?

Either way, not to worry...This inebriated ninja has the po-po right where he wants them. Check out this brilliant technique he employs to buy himself some time and distract the officer from an impending breathalyzer test. Watch and learn, assholes. RTR!!!



[Daniel]

Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class

Can't blow your minds this week...must work on a few less interesting real life projects. However, here's a fun topic: What's your favorite local, Deep South beer and bar? If you don't drink... eff yourself, health freak.

My Favorite Deep South Beer...



It's just so good when it hits your lips! Sweetwater 420 out of the 770/404... I have neither the time nor the inclination to describe the aroma, the hoppiness or the head of this beer like all the fabulous beer knerds over at beeradvocate. I just know it's effin good.


My Favorite Deep South Bar...


Birmingham's own, The J. Clyde...A little taste of heaven [mosesxan - flickr]

I don't get out to "the club"...at all. I barely go out, except when some college friends come in town and what not. I'd much rather grill and drink in the comfort of my own or a friend's backyard. So, if I have to actually go out, I want it to be as close to that backyard experience as possible. That's why I love The J Clyde. It's like your backyard, but better. You don't have to clean up all those beer tops and cig butts the next day, plus it's just cool. Think: a beautiful, beneath the oaks back patio with subtle live music, the best beer selection in town, a friendly crowd and no damn cover charge. AKA, a heavenly Southern beer garden.

What do you like?


Related:

Click here if you're in Alabama or Mississippi and love beer [free the hops]

F Drama

Big 10 grad, Dana Jacobson, keepin' it real [deadspin]

Wow. A woman got drunk and embarrassed herself. Stop the press? Or, wait. Maybe we could talk about this skank ad nauseum like she's some kind of She-Imus.

Welcome to off-season life here in the Deep South, folks. It's a Birmingham radio host's dream story. Thoroughly stir up the Bible-Belters and watch the scripture quoting calls roll in. All week.

Enough is enough. I'd rather hear about a thrilling Sabres vs. Maple Leafs match up than endure yet another caller on a sports-talk discuss "the condition of that young woman's heart and soul."

Why do we even care about Jacobson? I barely even recognized her prior to this, and now she's a household name? (sorry, didn't exactly Tivo "Cold Pizza") This types a stuff happens all the time. Reality tv is practically fueled by alcohol induced drama. Are we worried about the souls of all the "cast members" of The Bad Girl's Club? Oh no. No way. Those ladies aren't nearly as important as Dana Jacobson.

By the way, what is getting this dumb woman fired do for anybody?


Updates:

• Christians Set To Protest ESPN [awfulannouncing]
• Jacobson learns the Internet is always listening [pressofatlanticcity]

A Metaphor for the Ole Miss Season

Classic Message Board Fodder by "An Old Standard"at NAFOOM.com

Cause sometimes you just need to honor a classic message board post that seems to capture the moment, and, ever so eloquently, sum up the thoughts of a fanbase. I'll never look at Bebe (The Orgeron's Cajun nickname) the same way. This post comes to us from an Ole Miss fan in anticipation of the "big CBS game" this weekend between his 3-7 Rebels and #1 LSU...not to mention the huge Egg Bowl coming up in Starkville.

Pissin' In The Hot Tub

We were drinking one night at an apartment complex in Starkville. One toolbag drunk kid who was friends with someone we were staying with has brought home a classic Starkville skank. She’s got a beer gut (with belly-button piercing), a bad blonde dye job, acne covered with caked on make-up, all the intelligence and charm of a cow patty and dresses in a manner that can best be described as 10 lbs of meat in a 5 lb sack. The guy has been talking s**t all night, trying to start fights, taking fruity shots and talking endlessly about how much of a badass he is and how much tail he can pull. He owns at least one windsuit and wears it on a regular basis, guaranteed.

They disappear from the apartment together. Later, we discover that they’ve stripped down and are getting down in the apartments’ hot tub. Upon seeing this display, my friend RW (smoked out of his brain) stumbles down to the side of the hot tub, largely unnoticed by the happy, naked couple. When the guy finally comes up for air, it’s too late. RW has dropped his pants and is taking a piss into the hot tub. They both freak out, jump out of the water and scurry off. RW shakes, zips up and goes back upstairs to puke in the bathtub and pass out.

LSU is the douchebag guy. The delusional legend of his own mind, drunk with his own perceived greatness (and lots of Hot Damn), but mostly just a pain in the ass to everybody else. State is the girl who lives with constant self-esteem issues, but covers it up with make-up and wine coolers. Every now and again, she stumbles upon someone whose beer goggles match her self-image. She sees such drunken hook-ups as validation of her beauty and the start of long-lasting happiness. However, it always ends in tears when everybody sobers up.

And then there’s us. Stumbling through life only half awake with nothing in front of us other than a fade to black until all the self-inflicted poisons wear off, so we can start the road to recovery. But, before our time is over, we can do the rest of the civilized world a great service by putting the annoying couple in their place.

For the rest of the season, it’s all about pissing in everybody else’s hot tub of love. It's time for Bebe to crank the shrimp boat up to ramming speed and take some of these assholes down with us.

- An Old Standard

Wow. It's like a suicide note and a Lou Holtz pep Talk all in one. It's a thing of beauty. Major credit, Mr. Standard. I'd start a slow clap, but I the whole slow clap thing is pretty gay these days (NTTAWWT).


Who wants a golden shower?!? Miles? Anyone?

Gator Fans of The Week?

Just in time for Halloween, reader FBZ in Savannah (UGA fan) adds insult to Florida injury with these loathsome, and deeply disturbing gator gameday pics. I have to give the Gates credit though. These handy-tards are on par with anything Bama, LSU or Tennessee has to offer. Well played.




I'm speechless. Wait, no...no I'm not. This "Uncle Rico" embodies every stereotype in the white-trash playbook. From his ripped stone-washed jeans (possible jortage??) to his strawberry-blond, grown-man mullet. From his red neck to his gold chain. From his unfounded cockiness to his unfortunate facial hair. If in the above picture he's not yelling "WOOOOOOOOO!!! GATORS RULE YOUR ASS, MOTHER EFFERS!" then something is terribly, terribly wrong.




This must be the Cooper Manning of the Tebow family. Gotta love the reactions. Even the lady on the jumbtron is disgusted. Notice our previously featured "Mulletude Man of the Year" in the bottom left corner who appears to be lecturing Tons-of-Fun on classy fan behavior.




"The Thinker?"...More Like "The Stinker." Is this Gator serious? Is that a Halloween costume/wig? I was under the assumption that the infamous "Rat-tail" had gone the way of "The Shula" in the lower 48. I stand disgusted.




And Finally, because FBZ was kind enough to submit these pics, we have posted a little something for the Bulldog spank bank. Enjoy yo-self, and send more pics.

Multiple Bama Thugs Arrested

Saban Still Omnipotent?

Why does Coach Nick Saban let bad things happen to good people? Why didn't Coach stop this!?! Hey...Maybe it's all part of CNS's greater plan.

Here's the official internet rumor from Tidesports.com (In Tider Speak, the "Caps Lock" means it's seriously true):

FIRST OF ALL, I AM AS FANATIC ABOUT BAMA FOOTBALL AS ANYONE. I WAS THERE, DEADRICK AND UPCHURCH WERE ARRESTED BY TPD AND THREE OTHERS WERE TAKEN AWAY BY UAPD. THE BOUNCERS AT LEGACY TURNED THEM AWAY BECAUSE THEY WERE TRYING TO GET UNDER-AGE GIRLS IN WITH THEM AND THEY DID NOT ADHERE TO DRESS CODE. THEY CAME BACK AND STARTED FIGHTING WITH BOUNCERS. POLICE WERE CALLED. FIRST TWO POLICE OFFICERS ORIGINALLY TRIED TO MAKE THE PLAYERS JUST LEAVE. DEADRICK GOT PHYSICAL WITH THE OFFICERS. BACK UP ARRIVED IN A BIG WAY. DEADRICK ENDED UP PEPPER SPRAYED AND THEN USED HIS HEAD TO BUST WINDOW IN THE BACK OF A UNIT. SEVERAL OTHER PLAYERS WERE PRESENT BUT COULD NOT CONTROL DEADRICK AND "GANG". UPCHURCH WAS ARRESTED BY TPD ALSO. PR IS A HUGE THING WHEN IT COMES TO PLAYERS SO IT WILL TAKE DAY OR 2 TO FILTER TO OFFICIAL MEDIA. BOTTOM LINE IS WE DO NOT NEED THESE KIND OF PLAYERS AT BAMA, WE ARE NOT UT. THE PLAYERS HAVE BEEN ALOT MORE DISCIPLINED AROUND HERE SINCE SABAN TOOK OVER. THESE FEW ARE A BAD REP OF THE REST OF THE TEAM. I HOPE SABAN MAKES AN EXAMPLE OF DEADRICK. HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO REPRESENT BAMA AT ALL. FOLKS THIS IS WHAT I OBSERVED, NOT RUMOR. I FEEL SORRY FOR THE REST OF THE TEAM THAT WAS THERE AND TRIED TO PREVENT THIS ALONG WITH TPD WHO TRIED TO HANDLE THIS DIFFERENTLY BUT HAD NO CHOICE TO ARREST AFTER DEADRICK PUT HIS HANDS ON 2 COPS.

I actually have no reason to doubt this, and it sounds like one hell of a time. If this all pans out like it should, we are certainly looking at a bigger P.R. turd than last season's Marajawaun Simpson fiasco. (Read: Players suspended for Western Carolina AND Louisiana Monroe) The "Legit Alabama Media" is attempting to downplay the severity of this story (currently no sign of it on the front page of al.com sports). Either that, or they actually care about "fact checking" and "journalistic integrity." Sucks for them.

No matter what happens, we know that it is Saban's will. Coach works in mysterious ways.

Men vs. Wild - A Three Day Weekend In The Woods

No more posting this week. I'm off and up out to Cherokee National Forest for a Manly weekend (Read: my bachelor party). God willing, I'll be back Monday. Enjoy yo-self.



Bears - the greatest threat to mankind

Rock Out With My Cock Out

Blake Mitchell Just Wants To Dance

Spurrier's leading man really likes the sauce. Apparently, he also likes the river dance. What s**t-faced, starting, SEC Quarterback doesn't? Blake Mitchell is seen below getting his swerve on at a recent wedding.

Not only is he set to be "The Man" when it comes to Spurrier's Cock-n'-Fire offense, but from the below photographic evidence, he also appears to be "That Guy." Yeah, Klick-Klack...


Spurrier says antiperspirant is gay



It's not his fault - Blake was entrapped in a "Ring of Dance"



Blake's working it so hard, the girl on the right appears to be removing her undergarments



I'm 95% sure this was the song playing during these pictures - Happy Weekend

Link: The Rant

Alabama Contractually Obligated to Provide Virgins

Tuscaloosa Forced to Outsource

The University is already in hot water with Nick Saban over their recently agreed upon contractual obligations. Especially when it comes to following through on one item in The Coach's extensive list of demands.

No, it doesn't involve the 25 hours of flight time on The University's private jet, or Saban's unwillingness to support local, university endorsed charities. Not even the wording that Saban uses to avoid dealing with the media is causing this much of a stir. This is a matter about which all parties involved would prefer to remain discrete.

More specifically, it involves Saban's demand for "10 pure-hearted virgins" that attend to his every need, and fan him constantly with "Raffia Palm branches" from 6am to 9pm, Monday though Saturday while he is going about the business of the program.

The Administration's shortcomings in this matter certainly cannot be attributed to a lack of effort or applicants. The Internship office has been taking all comers: Interviewing Students, Alumni, Booster's daughters and even members of the Tuscaloosa community at large. Day and night. Anything to assuage the wrath of Saban.

Unfortunately, like America's desolate manufacturing sector, The Virgin is a rare breed at The Capstone. Much of the labor will need to be outsourced to Bama fans at neighboring colleges and universities with less formidable tradition. Recruiters are setting up shop at schools such as Samford in Birmingham and Mississippi College in Jackson.

After months of silence, Alabama president, Robert E. Witt made this statement:

"Sadly, with the popularity of the Greek system, underage drinking, Facebook.com, abuse of prescription meds and well...Cocaine, virgins in this town don't really stand a chance. Our tradition here at The University has never really been called into question, at least... until Coach Saban's unorthodox, albeit wonderful contract brought a few new issues to the forefront.

Even so, we are all working around the clock to meet any and all demands that come down from The Football Office. We will do whatever it takes to reestablish The University at its rightful place of respect in the College Football Universe.

Why? You know any virgins?"

Saban is Angry

Editor's Note: Alana Collete Connell has "No Comment" on this developing story.


Links & Coverage:

• Birmingham News
• Tuscaloosa News: in-depth details
• Da Wiz
• Saban's Diary
• Saban's Itenerary